Diary of an involuntary celibate: PART 1

It's been 2 years since I last had sex. Yes it has been that long. Not because I lost interest or because of one health reason or the other, truth is I just lost it. I wonder if I ever had it in the first place. I have doubted myself more and more with each passing day. I figured out my problem a few months ago. I couldn't seem to seal the deal, I was always stuck in the unwanted zone of friendship, the initial flair that attracted the ladies seemed to die out after a few dates, actually after the second date. I just became boring and what promised to be a blooming romance died even before it could smolder.
I couldn't seem to trace the origin of my problem though the last lady I dated was not really the origin, I however noted the events that led up to my dating her. Her name was Esther, and before I dated her, I was on a mini draught. I just broke up with my high school love Oyin. We had dated for about 3 years before she found out she was too good for me. She got a job at one of the biggest audit firms in the country and moved to the high brow areas in the city. We both lived in the same town but seeing each other became a burden. So she dumped me for no reason and my friends Victor and Hassan scouted Esther after 3 months as a suitable replacement. Esther was sweet and lovely and the sex was good but I found out I had forgotten how to woo a lady or seduce her. I never had to seduce Oyin, she loved sex and was very open about what she wanted and when she wanted it. I and Oyin had sex on the 2nd date of our official dating and it had been very frequent after that. With Esther I faced the rude shock of how unskilled I was at seducing the opposite sex . Most of the flings I had while I was with Oyin were either her friends or girls who saw Oyin and wanted to steal me away from her. Oyin had a way of making me look more desirable. No, I wasn't a saint with Oyin but I was discreet in my affairs. Truth is I really missed Oyin and wanted Esther to be her or at least the sex should be like Oyins but it wasn't and I didn't know how to ask, never had to ask with Oyin and I guess I never really learnt the tricks.
So its been 2 years since my last sexual relationship with Esther, the one and only sexual relationship I had with Esther before she left town and I never heard from her again and now I am at girlfriend potential number 13 and I think I'm beginning to genuinely like her and now I am getting myself prepped for the disappointment of failing to seal the deal yet again. What is a man to do?

GENDER EQUALITY AND THE REGULAR BRUHAHA!!!

EQUALITY: from a mathematical or scientific point could be argued to be more than a mere substitution, so the ‘equal to’ sign or the ‘=’ was invented to indicate that whatever is on one side of the ‘=’ is exactly the same as what is on the other side. In theory, this is easy to appreciate when 3 is equal to 2+1 and stuff like that. In reality and more often in human beings, it seems to be just a non-pragmatic view. ‘all animals are equal, but some are more equal than the others’, that is from the Animal Farm by George Orwell, but this isn’t about animals or humanity, it is the battle of the sexes that has been going on for ages. Some say men are superior and are branded chauvinist while those who think otherwise are simply branded feminist or plain ignorant.

I was asked a while ago if I believe in gender equality and I replied with a resounding NO! Does that make me a non-feminist or a chauvinist? May be but what equality are we talking about? Equality as humans? Of course, I do not think any human is superior simply based on their sex; I however think and believe that all females are equal and all males are equal. To begin to ask for equality between the male and female gender would simply be to start asking who is a better footballer. A keeper who saves 50% of the penalties shot at him or a striker who scores 50% of his penalties.

Are men the same as women? Are they both wired in the same way? You may argue that both can do similar things and all that, but the fact is that men are predominantly dominant, and women are not. Men are more aggressive; they had no choice in the hormones that flow in their blood as the females too will argue. Menstruation, PMS, pregnancy, labour and child birth, menarche, menopause, men have no idea how it feels to go through all these in one life time, some, more than once in a life time, but they have their own cross one of which is not physical but mental, EGO.

Men are not equal to women, never have and never will and it isn’t because of the men are up there but simply because they are not in the same field. If a woman wants equality with a man, she should ask why she has to ask for equality from a man. Women are not below men either they are just not equal. In science we have the equality signs. (=) equal to; (>) greater than (<) less than, (≤) less than or equal to;(≥) greater than or equal to(≠)not equal to. There is only one relationship in terms of equality between the sexes and that is simply NOT EQUAL which means that they should not be equated ever.

If you can argue that they should be equated then you should prove to me that they are the same. Asides from the singularity and unity of humanity, men are from mars and women are from venus. That is 2 planetary bodies revolving around the sun at different orbits.

3 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT JULY (ALREADY)

The month of July ushered in the 2^nd half of the year and a lot of promise. Many would argue that this year has been tumultuous and unpredictable with many trends disappearing and our girls still missing. The unrest in some parts of the country and the world indeed doesn’t seem to abate but it may seem that the worst has past. However, 3 things have already occurred in the month of July to indicate a trend that would seem to persist till the near future.

1.       The world cup. Predictable or unpredictable? No one can comfortably bet that they have foresight into the outcome of any of the remaining matches, both in terms of score line or in terms of overall outcome. With the Netherlands thrashing of the defending champions to the surprise inclusion of Costa Rica and Colombia in the elimination stages, few would bet that the host, brazil would be getting a football tutelage at the hands of the Germans but that is why this world cup has in its right being coined the best one yet.

2.       The embers are approaching (ember month). And with them the high crime rate, already stealing and robbery have been on the increase and that can only be checkmated by the security forces who we have concluded in our minds are ineffective. The missing girls may yet return and the bomb blast may halt or reduce but the general security within our borders still is a bother. Community policing however is a sign of hope. If it is successful in Lagos hopefully it would be implemented nationwide and maybe we can start feeling at home in our country.

3.       Hope is high. And why shouldn’t it. The 2^nd half gives a seemingly new start to everyone and the outlook is like the first of January albeit without fun fare and parties or holidays. Most people would like to look back and correct the mistakes of the first half or improve on it if no mistakes were discovered, but the general consensus is one of optimism. That seems to be the way to go even in the face of stiff opposition and harsh criticism, optimism smolders the flame of hope and second or new chances as the case may be.

So the second half is still in its infancy and a lot can still happen. We are going to see a new world champion come the 12^th of July and it wont be brazil or spain or Nigeria, but it will be a glorious final.

SUPER EAGLES, TWITTER AND THE NATIONAL CONFERENCE: NO GOOD RESULT

Living is generally difficult, but living in Nigeria is another reality. Everyone is angry at one thing or the other. I am not just talking about those on the streets but every single Nigerian living within the shores of this country who has a good idea of how this country works. The fundamental cause of all the problems we have is bad leadership and of course NEPA or whatever it is called these days. These problems in any other country of similar status would be embroiled in a major war or invasion from Europe or The USA but we are Naija and “we don see tings”. Lagos is just a mad house on its own and we Lagosians are so accustomed to the constant madness that its absence is never craved. We long for the fight between the conductor and the “agberos” at the bustop, or the police vs Army fight, or the Lastma vs Other Government officers fight. We long for the opportunity to cross the express when the pedestrian bridge is not far off just because the bridges are too steep or shaky. We rely on what we have and expect it to be enough. We expect the Super Eagles to fight for wages and still go on to win the world cup simply because we are Nigerians. We would love the first Lady to come on air and lament the display of the super eagles so we can have something else to laugh at, like she hasn't done enough already. Our missing girls are still missing and we are waiting for Jack Bauer and co to go capture the Militants threatening our country’s sovereignty. Nigerians are just proudly frustrated and all these episodes are ways to channel these frustrations. We do not expect the government to proffer any long term solution or any solution at all for that matter. We have given the government plenty of occasions to prove that they are a government and not a cabal of cake hungry politicians, they have failed miserably and so we know we can’t do anything to them. They are like military men in civilian uniforms and we see it as a "no alternative" government because the military in military uniform will Jail you for hash tagging an officers name. At least we have freedom of speech in this government. So if Jonathan doesn't bring back our girls or the super eagles disappoint in the world cup, whether it is their fault or the fault of unseen circumstances, we take out our collective frustration on whichever scapegoat comes our way. This is our means of escape from the ever increasing sources of anger, twitter, BBM, Facebook. We rant and rant until whoever we have marked has committed suicide then we collectively blame social media and the devil.

So to my fellow countrymen, be careful of the numerous frustrated people out there. They prey on your weaknesses and failure and exploit your silence. They hide behind hash tags on social media to vent their national disappointment. We know it is the fault of the government and we know the government is not a person so we look for the most recent “F-UP” and label them. This won’t solve the problem in anyway, just like the National Conference wont, but we do it anyways and delight in the activity devoid of results. This is the Naija way. For now we try to change it as we live with it. I am rather sure we won’t always need a committee to seat before a solution is proffered to the why we are not a world power or No. 1 in FIFA ranking. The Blame game however is not the way to go but as the saying goes "na u get ur mouth"

Chances lost

I saw her for the first time in 21 years. I did not believe that I'd still recognize her, especially as I wasn't expecting to see her. Not at that moment, not like that. It was a very crowded bus stop and she just appeared like a vision before me. She had grown up a lot and a lot of her features had considerably matured. She was now a woman. The innocence was no longer in her eyes like I knew it back then. It was neither in mine. I knew we both had changed, I hoped I would not recognize her again but her eyes had not lost its glimmer. After all these years I could still remember those eyes. In the midst of my uncertainty and dilemma I just stood there and did nothing as she walked past me. She couldn't recognize me or was she just exhausted from a busy day at work? Whatever it was that happened in that moment, I let her pass me by. I could have called out her name and maybe then she would recognize me and run into my arms and say "oh, I have been waiting for this day" or something of the like. I just watched her pass, I could have done the spooky thing and follow at a safe distance to locate her house or destination. I assumed she would always come through this route for some reason I can't make sense of now but after 3 years of going to that bus stop by 2.pm everyday hoping to see her again, I guess I will never get another chance to see her. I can only console myself that it was never meant to be. I have lost the opportunity to meet my IFUNANYA.

Super Eagles, Brazil and Pharell Williams "Happy".

Goals in every match till the super Eagles came along, many super Eagles die hard fan will say that it was bound to happen at some point, but the regular sense of reason will ask the Balotelli question, "why always me?" , me in this case being the Nigerian team currently at Brazil. Many will continue to argue we could do better and I won't argue with that philosophy, we should always believe that we can even if we know it is mightily steep, the odds stacked against us. I would have been dancing to a "happy" titled song if that draw was against the mighty Argentina but I will still save that dance for the last match against Argentina, why? Because I believe we can still get a good performance and an even better result against the star studded Argentine team. First up though is the debutants. Looks a difficult task and ask seeing how the Bosnian team played in their last match but we are naija and we are super. Bosnia and Herzegovina had better be afraid. We don't fly in Iran but we cruise in Europe and as no one is writing Spain off, watch out for Nigeria.
Meanwhile, i'd keep listening to Sergio Mendes rendition of "masqenada" till after the game with Argentina.

And a few days later we are in the second round. do we stand a chance against the French? one way to fine out. We beat them and they g home otherwise we play our hearts out.

RICH KID POOR KID

This is not like the rich dad poor dad episode, this is the reality of some lives around you, all over the world. This is the evidence of polarity and discrimination that can never be erased or destroyed, at least not in our life time. Not because we (this generation and many generations before ours) have not tried, but simply because it is what it is. This is life.

RICH KID:

Goes to the best schools available from infancy, intelligence is not in question, he excels, some say because of the enabling environment he finds himself in, others, because he is naturally gifted and still others because his parents have paid the price and bought excellence for him. He graduates at a very young age because his schools do not go on strike and comes back to the country to integrate and know his roots and his people. He is extravagantly rewarded on his return, with a certificate in hand, the minimum requirement for any graduate, but he has more. Even when he was “abroad” he won several local and international scholarships, many would say he didn’t deserve it or more importantly, he didn’t need it. He got it nonetheless. His return is coloured with fun-fare and a contract of employment in one of the top companies in the industry of his interest. The top of his worries is the traffic and the harshness of the Nigerian sun on his very delicate skin.

POOR KID:

Attends a public school until the level of corruption in it pushes his parents to withdraw him from the public school to a very expensive private school in the country. After a few years he drops out because his parents can no longer afford the fees. He manages to seat for entrance examinations to the unity schools with affordable fees although it is very far-away from home. He survives the harshness of the local boarding school system and is successful in all his certificate exams. His return home is greeted with a list of expectations as his parents have both retired from the country’s civil service and are expecting their pension and gratuity (if it ever comes). He scores high in the matriculation exam, but he knows no one in the university admin office to push his admission through even after he scored way above the schools cut off mark. He finally gets the admission albeit after 3 attempts to study the course of his dreams. His stay in school is frustrated by lack of infrastructure, strikes and lecturers trying to sell hand-outs to pass their course. He survives this and graduates. The expectations are even higher from home but he knows now that he has to get, not just any job but a good job to take of his ageing and ailing parents and to elevate his status. Maybe he would break in to the elite group and buy a house on the island or ikoyi. The top of his worries? How long will he have to continue like this?

It is not a level playing ground. Never was and never will. Strength, however is required to break in to the upper echelons of the society and more strength to remain there. 

Be

What to be
Its easy
Good or bad
Evil is much deeper
But only one
Not both
Good is good
Bad is good
Evil is better
Be good
Or be evil
Be the best however
At being whatever
But be
The good in evil
Or the evil in good
There is no middle ground
Be

The New Love

I've heard a lot of the current accepted trends in relationships. It's the modern guidelines to dating, they call it. The theme? Love is not enough. Funny enough this trend is not propagated by just single or newlyweds but by couples with decades of experience in the marriage institute. So, what ado about love and marriage and all the "in-betweens"? Is the statement correct? Or are we being slowly encouraged to put love in the back seat of a relationship? I am compelled to agree with the later. People are different and so are their opinions but I must say that asides from compatibility of a sexual kind and the absence of abuse, all other arguments against or undermining the importance or significance of love should be thrown out. What is the point of a relationship if not founded and built on love? Most people propagating the "love is not enough" campaign quickly jump and say things like, money, career and all other things and I agree with them to some extent that they are needed in a relationship but not at the expense of love. Love can become enough when all these things are in place but if they are in place and love is absent, what becomes of it? Is it enough to be comfortable and lonely? Many would argue that they would rather cry in a limo than on a bicycle. Who wouldn't? At some point however, love would be all that matters. At that point love would be enough.
I however would like to remind everyone out there that as much as the theme of marriage is love and family and togetherness, it is not a bed of roses. It also comes with a "for better for worse" clause. This clause is one most people like to split. They would gladly take the "for better" part and do away with the "for worse part". When the going is good and your partner is performing all his or her duties and the world is sweet and you can't think of anything better than where you are, love would seem to be enough  or should I say comfort is enough because that is what most modern relationships crave, the kind of comfort that money can buy. When the chips are down and time gets harder and everything you hoped for starts crumbling down, the career, security and money all disappears, what then? When times get harder than either of you anticipated, that is when love is tested. Marriage is not a sign of love now-a-days and that is a sad trend. People marry conveniences and fill comfortable preaching "love is not enough", well I can guarantee that no matter how much money or success your career or job gives you, it will never be enough. Humans always want more and that is a given, but when we are faced with the tough times, we become aware that the person you got married to out of convenience also married you out of convenience and devoid of that convenience, there is no way that selfishness wont creep in and destroy what you once called beautiful (convenience or comfort is what I call it).
Love may not be enough but what else is? What else can replace love?
I wont say love is enough rather I would say "love is all that matters".

Karma this. Karma that.

Karma, I've heard lots about you. How you go round giving people what they deserve? Well, I guess you are kind of partial or I just don't get what your role is in the grand scheme of things.
Who does karma work for? The highest bidder? The most outrageous situations? God? One thing is sure, karma doesn't work for me. Not that I'm in the business of revenge or reward for the loyal, but karma doesn't seem to have a code of conduct. It seems karma doesn't exist in real life, only in movies where the bad guy gets his due at the eventuality of the movies end or in stories where the author controls the fate of each character by his own moral code. In real life, being good or honest or fair doesnt mean you will be visited with kindness and love and justice. No! What actually happens is that the rest of the world uses you and your goodness as a foot mat and no one will remember to say "thank you". In real life, the "bad guys" get away with whatever they do. Just because you are good doesn't mean anyone will be good to you. Just because you are honest doesnt mean those around you will be honest to you. And while you are hoping good will triumph in this world and karma will be faster in carrying out her duties of serving out justice, evil still thrives and well, karma is probably in a shopping mall buying the latest hand bags and accessories to keep up with the trend. This is really sickening and rather depressing, and yet the larger population benefits from karmas benevolence and reluctance to deliver justice to all. The larger population is not divided into good vs evil or predators vs prey. Everyone is a victim, no one is good or evil. It's easy to judge people based on their actions but karma doesn't work that way. It's deeper, it's not even by the ratio of good deeds to evil deeds. But like the ying-yan will describe the human person, its a mixture of good in evil and evil in good. Nobody holy pass. So get off that high horse and know that you too would be on the recipients list of karmas wrath if karma were to operate by human rules or ideas. Eventually, we hope everyone gets what they deserve, but then again what would be the point of mercy, second chances and humanity.