THE CHRONICLES II

I saw you and at that moment I loved YOU.
I saw that you also had an interest towards me but I cursed myself for not letting my interest known.
We became friends.
I wanted more
You wanted more.
I was A COWARD in love.
I did not let my feelings for you show.
I pushed you and that resistance was what I still regret.
We walked around with a big banner over our heads
JUST FRIENDS.
Then he came along, and you loved him as you would have loved me.
Even then, I could still see the passion in your eyes… FOR ME.
Mine was hidden, past experience or could it be fear?
I was afraid of letting you know or letting you go.
I was afraid of rejection and the possibility of a broken heart.
And so, I allowed the MAN come in.
I locked myself out.
But even now, I know I LOVE YOU, AND YOU- ME.
Was it meant to be?
We’ll never know

THE CHRONICLES

When I could not give my heart out I could not truly love and I could not say that at that time I was living. Looking back at all those times I do not think I would have ever seen myself as a person capable of letting go, but here we are, here I am and there you are. No longer whole but more complete than I was when I was alone… this is how my thoughts were shaped



I go out in search,
To make you a PARTNER,
Not a SUBORDINATE.
I invite you in; show you what you stand to gain
And ask what you have to offer,
Yet you want me to do all the ground work, all the time.
I call you a FRIEND,
Yet you want me as a SLAVE
I will not be shacked by the chains of a RELATIONSHIP
If you can not meet me halfway
Then stay on your own
I will not cross my line…
NOT YET

TIME HAS MOVED PLACES...

The month of May has come and gone and it seems like I have had so much to do, I have so little time to write. Truth be told, I indeed had little time to spend in front of the computer at all. When such a long time has gone by, a lot of events have taken place, from the very minute ‘hello’s’ to the most unexpected. But those that stay foremost on the mind are usually those that would and should and eventually have a lasting impression on the mind. I would not want to use the word ‘breakup’, I’d rather use the word (borrowed from my friend Nelson) ‘mutual separation’, Yes! I had a mutual separation from my Girlfriend this month and it is proving to be a very difficult task ‘letting go’ of the one person you really looked forward to seeing every other evening, but that is part of life and it goes on. My heart aches and at times like this I play a lot of music. When I say ‘times like this’ I mean times when I was made to leave someone I really, really liked and that has not happened often at all, actually this is like the second time technically. But I a m not going to bore you with the details of this ‘mutual separation’, rather I would like to dedicate the next couple of post to the experiences of love as gathered from experiences, mine and that of others. THE LOVE CHRONICLES. I hope you can relate to it and share in their emotions and stuff but most importantly enjoy it.
I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE NO SHAME IN IT COS THERE IS NO GREATER FEELING IN THIS WORLD THAT COULD DRIVE A MAN TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE. TRUE FREEDOM LIES IN THE ABILITY TO LOVE AND DEMAND TO BE LOVED BACK.

Did I Piss You Off?

I am a nice guy! Statement of Fact, you could sue me for that, but I’d still be a nice guy. I’m not blowing my own trumpet or anything for that matter; it’s just the fact that the word “attitude” is now being mistaken to mean arrogance. I… OK, we all love a confident person be it in a workplace, relationship, anything or anywhere you can think of, we love confidence, either ours or that of our partner or friend or associate as long as it does not rob us of our own (confidence). Now, when and more importantly how do I know when to tune down my ‘cockiness’ to suit people whom it should suit? Who should benefit from my own confidence order than myself? Is that selfish? Everyone at one point or the other wants his or her ego to be stroked and it occurs more vividly among the male folk but even the ladies love to be ‘made up’ to look a little bigger than they actually are and every now and then she’d say, ‘how’s my hair?’, ‘did you notice my eye shadow?’ ‘You have not complimented my new boob job’. Stroke her ego, just a little every now and then but never over do it. At the end of the day, some of the flattery gets to our heads ‘OMG! I am so pretty’ and we begin to worship ourselves. Then you here ‘you are so full of yourself’ or more derogatorily, ‘you are full of shit’ and you wonder how it all started. Well I’ll let you in on a secret; the less we hear about ourselves the more we want to be heard of. It works in 2 ways, either you try too hard to please or you just get too self aware and overindulge yourself. The first may make you a saint or a fool, while the latter could make you vain or ambitious. But at the end it’s not what we all say that matters but what you BELIEVE. I hate you doesn’t make either of us a bad person so lets live and of course, let live. Did I offend you earlier? Deal with it or me. Which ever way you have a dealing to do but be sure to do it very well and… always prepare for the repercaution.

SINCERELY WRITING!

It is from the depth of my heart, and filled with utmost respect, that I decide to bare my soul, for no man ever made a mark by being someone else. I want to be among the greats of the world, a mind that would be so envied that even I would stand in awe in heaven and thank God for a life well spent. I can only be the best that ‘I’ can be and that’s not to say that an ‘ok’ me is not good enough but, come to think of it, good was not good enough that’s why better came along only to be ‘bested’ by the best. I feel I am still young and that the full potentials of this mind are yet to be attained. I came across a saying sometime ago, ‘if it isn’t fun, don’t do it’, and I ask is my life fun? I know we all have heard about life not being a bed of roses and all that and we have come to accept it, we have accepted that we live in a world filled with limitations and disappointments, many of us even take a pessimistic view on life in general. ‘What good can come out of Bethlehem?’ I do know that salvation came from there and to many other pessimistic questions, why this? Why that? Well, why not? Life is not all about being perfect or working towards perfection because the perfection we so seek and desire is viewed through an imperfect lens, clouded by dishonesty, corruption, violence. It seems so easy to point out our imperfections and that of the world than to appreciate the wonders of our creation. And as my thoughts drift in and out of crazy and wonderful ideas, I wonder, am I the only person with such a mind? Of course not, and the greatest of such minds may as well not have been born but the propagation of our species over the years have led us to believe that it is the fittest that survive. I do not know much and indeed all that’s left to be known far surpasses what we know now, so the boundaries we have created for ourselves are willfully and eventually torn down to open a new horizon, a world of endless possibilities and I can assure myself first that this world is just around the corner. Our differences aside, we all are creatures of order, peace, unity and growth. It is all embedded in our genetic make up to be orderly and even in the midst of the external forces of chaos, we all so long for the peace from within, that shining light that re-assures us that we are not just matter that exist to occupy space but are the beings that BE. Love is magical, love is precious, and love is universal. We all want to love and be loved in return, so why don’t we just love? It always comes back to us…

COMING SOON!

SO, WAS THAT YOU?



I looked through the window of my little shelter, rain drops still scattered sparingly on the partly cemented floor. I felt like going out this evening but where would I go? At times like this I wished I smoked or indulged in some kind of social activity that would enable me just go out on my own and not be seen as a loner. Of course I am not a loner, I have a lot of friends and numerous acquaintances, but just this time I felt I should be alone. I was not depressed but was in a very reflective and sober mood. ‘I need a retreat’, I thought to my self the previous day but now I needed to go out. What shall I do with my freedom again? This new freedom I have been blessed with. I vowed not to make the same mistakes I made with my previous freedoms; in boarding school, in the university, in youth service camp. No! Not the same mistakes. I had to make a responsible use of my life for now and from now on. I knew I was in no hurry to settle down and, thank goodness I was under no form of pressure, at least for the moment. My whole life, like a clean slate lay in front of me and I made an oath to write on it with as few mistakes and less grave ones at that. This retreat of mine would usher me from young man to ‘elderly, respected young citizen’. All my dreams, aspirations, my future looked and felt brighter. What could possibly go wrong now? All I have to do is make use of all my past mistakes and make my present life and the imminent future, something to look forward to. I, Toby would shock the world, in a good way, and I intend to rule the world! As for my past, lets hope it does not come up too often in any discussions, let sleeping dogs lie, although I would prefer DIE, but you know what they say, kill the past, kill the future. That’s me, my past and hopefully a future you all will envy and talk about for years to come.


*** EXCERPTS FROM ‘THE TALE OF HISTORY’
A BOOK BY Uche Onuma© 2010

Yeah! We Are Back

Its feels good to be back, even if it is for a short while.
A lot of water has indeed passed under the bridge but I’ll try to be constructive. Some words that are passing through my mind right about now… "trust", "friendship", "love", "loyalty", "disappointment", "depression", a lot of emotions!now but no tears not from me, not for now and not ever. There is nothing better than knowing something and knowing it well more so nothing like clarity. No vagueness or ambiguity. I personally love to be vague but can’t seem to like others been vague to me. I want you to tell me as it is, up front and right in my face. I love honesty even if I know it is not expected from everybody but nobody said it’s futile to at least expect sometimes. All I want is for someone to tell me honestly what they think and I will be satisfied, but who would that be?
Its not you definitely! You wouldn’t do me the favor; you would not want to hurt my feelings, would you? So much for friendship and trust. Ironic! Isn’t it? That you would feel that I can’t handle the truth. Well I am not talking about me hear or what I have done or even what I expect, it is more like what I feel. Ok! I feel everyone or almost everyone is lying, in one way or the other.
My sister told me once to be more expressive, sounds easy but it sure as hell isn’t. It’s much safer to be on the fence but even there, the stones continue to fly by. I’d stop fro now because I don’t know if you are ever going to read this so if you get to read this, I’m sure you would not understand

IS THAT A COMPLIMENT?

‘I love your hair!’, ‘you really look good today’, ‘did you put on some weight?’… Well I’ll take all that as a compliment, for now because I can’t and will not live an insecure life of scrutinizing every comment flung my way. No! I can’t live like that but must know when you are actually complimenting something about me or just making a fool out of me. Remember, I said for now and that means later or some other time I might look back and see that you were actually making fun of me and I assure you it won’t be so pleasant to see me. I may not be able to sense sarcasm immediately but you bet I’ll be able to sense a mocker when I hear one. Compliment me or not, it won’t change anything. I did not have you in mind when I was dressing up or eating or working out and I don’t give a ‘rats ass’ what you think of me now… speaking of which, just keep your thoughts to yourself. I love myself just the way I am now and I don’t need a panel of judges to tell me how to wear my hair or dress. I am wonderfully and fearfully created! Yeah! That’s right you heard me ‘FEARFULLY’ so don’t go about thinking that you are better than anyone else because it’s he who wears the shoes that knows where it pinches most.


Hope you didn’t take this personally, no harm intended

THIS LOVE...

Many would say that it does not exist, others still that is mere figment of imagination, but no one can question the power it wields in the world. Wars have been fought, families divided, blood has been spilt, it indeed has the power to do and of course, undo. I have experienced the overwhelming power of it and I can say that there is nothing created that can stand the force which it pulls. Once I doubted, fought and even detested the mere thought of being mastered by anything let alone this power, but my resistance lasted only as long as I was ignorant. Fate rarely calls upon us on the moment of our choosing and this is my story.
I was placed in the situation where I had the choice to walk away and never look back, I could have kept quiet but I would have missed the most wonderful feeling yet in the world, it has nothing to do with what is or is not done, or what is or is not said, it has nothing to do with where you are from but more importantly, where you are headed. I hoped I would make the exception but I just could not stand out, it took a whole lot of resistance so many years have gone by since I first set my eyes on.... I said it was not possible but I just found out that impossibilities are non-existent. I was and am still a puppet, fate has dealt me a fair hand, I had the advantage but could not take it, I could have achieved anything I dreamt of, but to what end? I had lived a life of solitude for so long I thought to myself ‘, I can do without anyone’. I had been self sufficient but seeing... it just could not be. This feeling I had suppressed for many years, I even thought I had mastered my feelings. I did not only surprise my family and those close to me, I was surprised at how quick I fell, over and over again I fell and I was not on any psychotomimetics or CNS stimulant. It was in the air and I had been infected. Now I am sick, yes I am love struck and only SHE can cure me... I have felt love and it is the sweetest, strongest singular feeling that can set me and you free. Pure love like pure honey is hard to come back but once tasted, you can sense the difference.
I have tasted PURE love and now I know the DIFFERENCE.

THE LETTER...

IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON I SHARE THIS VERY PERSONAL LETTER...
** THE NAMES USED HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR PRIVACY PURPOSES

THE LETTER

I wish that for once I would be able to write down how I feel sometimes. Right now, I feel so drained!!! My boyfriend just told me that I’m making things difficult for his next girlfriend and that was meant to be a compliment!!! This is someone I really hoped, dreamt of a future with me the way I did with him. It’s just so sad that life doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to. If wishes where horses, Victoria will spend the rest of her life with Patrick. But too bad, it’s not mine to decide, never was, will never be
In a few weeks time, I’ll be out of this school for good and many questions keep popping up: what will be my fate? Should I hold on? If I do, will I be able to trust him? More importantly, will I be able to trust myself? Will the distance affect our relationship? Somehow I know the answers to these questions but I think I’m in denial. I find it very difficult to let go. Though I know I can’t have it forever, I keep holding on till the dying minute. So here comes the million dollar question, when is the dying minute? When will there be nothing left to salvage of our relationship? When will it be all over? How would we decide that? How will I feel when this time comes? These questions, I can’t answer.
God! How was he able to make me fall so deeply in love with him/ how did it happen? When? Why can’t I just tell myself the truth and walk away? I don’t know1 all I want is to love and be loved back! All I want is to share my dreams and future with him! All I want is to have his kids! Is that too much to ask for? Apparently, yes, Victoria, it is. We are talking about a lifetime commitment here, so, yes it is too much to ask for.
Well, I’m just going to put the ball in his court and let him play it in any direction he wants to. Yeah! I know, you might say that I’m being a fool for him but what can I say, he deserves it. He is just absolutely the best guy I’ve ever known. He is my Pat.


feel free to drop a comment... really appreciated.