GOING....

These things happened and will continue to happen. The frailties of trust especially trust in man. I seek not to send a negative message, but in truth it is all around us. So much negative vibe, one could actually drown in it. It takes a lot of patience, which is a virtue and rare at that to tolerate the gimmicks as they are thrown your way on a daily. Now I sit and wonder ‘is this the real life?’, if it is, then it is disappointing. Silver and gold, I seek to accumulate and to that end a life or a name is lost, the source of pride like a balloon afloat and without a tether rope to hold gets blown away by the gentle wind. The truth may not come out in our life time but it will and the longer it stays down there the more powerful it will be. If my words are not enough for you then my actions should, but to what end if no matter what it does not count.
My country turns 50 in a number of days time and as young as she would like to appear, she is old and full of a lot of crap that need to be addressed but will never be, or at least not yet. The change needs to be radical, swift and unbiased, but until then we shall continue to go down.
GOING! GOING!!

VOYAGE... THE VALLEY AND BACK

JUST FOOLED!


How quickly was my heart ripped off my chest?
By my own hand indeed
The pain I felt, yet was clouded by the promise
The offering was made, but in a hurry

Was it the sweet scent of a rosy bed from which I just emerged?
My eyes, not accustomed to this new light
But my confidence was the source

I hardened my heart to the words of advice
All that glitters… All that glitters…
My heart won a battle it should have lost

What fool recognizes his folly? Till the very end!
Time, Energy, Resources all spent
For the lesson was well learnt

My heart still craves but the sooner I learn, the farther the grave
Fool me once… They said
I know, once is enough?
The same mistake? Never to me

I emerge from the flames like a PHOENIX
My song and my tears

Stronger is my will
This feeling is my new second nature
The pain of the past shall guide me through future travails
My heart now barely beats
And the numbness I feel will take a while

It will beat again, and again
And with each beat, I shall bleed myself
Never to be, thus fooled
My HEART I will GUARD


FROZEN

It warmed my heart each time I saw you and it was a longing yet to be satisfied
I stood in awe as you blossomed before my eyes, my heart bled freely and willingly
The offering was to be made, I had no objection, I was the lamb, willing and able

The price, foolish though it sounded, but, yes! It was love again

But my heart was jolted, not by rejection or betrayal
Hell had frozen over and so was my heart
Had I lost it? That ability to love?
Maybe it was just you, but then again, it was just you

My heart froze and my eyes darkened, for a love lost is never found
It was cold all along, it was just my warmth… but for how long

FOUND AND LOST.

I found it and for years I cherished it, LOVE? You may ask, but no. it was more than love. We were more than friends and I, being the pessimist I was, filled my mind with thoughts of its end. Friends for life? Yes, that’s what we became, but we both knew we wanted more, more from ourselves and more to give. It was, for the first time in a long while that I had myself free from my own inhibitions. 30 years have gone by now and I still see that my life would have been much more fun, plus with a lot of achievements. Now, death stares me in the face and I feel like I would only have one final wish denied, I know I can’t have this wish but it is as selfless as it is selfish. Just a hand to hold or those eyes to stare into even if it is for the last time, my eternity may as well begin with the feeling still on my skin.
We started out nothing special, no expectations just in it for the ride and what a ride it turned out to be. For a period in my life, the “I” was lost. All there was was the “US”, the “WE”, and I was tempted to believe that it was going to last for a very long time, even a lifetime. Was I wrong? Yes! I was so, so wrong. We were very clear about our feelings for each other but that negative energy, oh! That negative energy! It crept in, maybe just from word of mouth or from those horrible dreams I don’t know but it found its way in and what it has destroyed, I can not quantify. I loved her like no love has ever described and I was not afraid not to be loved back in return but she did! She loved me even more than I could accept. She loved my flaws and faults as much as she loved my perfections, she loved my entirety, the entity I was and the entity I would be, she love my past and my future, with her in it or not. And I loved her but I could not bring myself to accept that love like this could exist. It was just too much for the earth. Too positive and I feared near impossible. Don’t get me wrong I never doubted our love, what I did doubt was it blooming into the flower that everyone would come to admire and take a leaf from. So instead of nourishing this love with care, I fed it with negativity. I have but myself to blame, not only for this loneliness I feel but for what she feels. And if my wish she were to turn down, even at my deathbed, I would understand and still love her nevertheless.We were not the perfect couple or the envy of the town, no! We were just good for each other but you always hope that there could be a possibility of something better. It never happened; there was no one better, there was no other, none before and none after. I could cry now but what use would it be. I had it, I lost it and I have no one but myself to blame.

THE SAGA... IN AN IMAGINARUIM!!

MY WORDS...MY SWORD

I try to detach my self from the character I create
He is lifeless at that and I know everything is around him
Objectivity I crave so that I do not lose myself to the portrait I paint
In my mind it is highly defined

But the ARTIST must immerse himself so deep in his work
He can never be objective
His work is a reflection
His soul is somewhere within
And still out there for all to see

I can not fight a battle without spilling BLOOD
The enemy must see and feel my fury
I can not be objective
The pages are my battlefield
And my words are my weapon

They may be used against me
But its intent is to fight for me
In this battle, I fear not
For every eye, a new battle begins

VICTORY is all but short-lived
The battle stories rage on
From the little ones, through sand and time
My words, my work will be a new weapon
A sword, sharper than those before and those to come

I can not detach myself from the characters I create
I am in there somewhere
I am the breathe of life in all of them
I have but lost a part of my soul to this portrait

THE CHRONICLES II

I saw you and at that moment I loved YOU.
I saw that you also had an interest towards me but I cursed myself for not letting my interest known.
We became friends.
I wanted more
You wanted more.
I was A COWARD in love.
I did not let my feelings for you show.
I pushed you and that resistance was what I still regret.
We walked around with a big banner over our heads
JUST FRIENDS.
Then he came along, and you loved him as you would have loved me.
Even then, I could still see the passion in your eyes… FOR ME.
Mine was hidden, past experience or could it be fear?
I was afraid of letting you know or letting you go.
I was afraid of rejection and the possibility of a broken heart.
And so, I allowed the MAN come in.
I locked myself out.
But even now, I know I LOVE YOU, AND YOU- ME.
Was it meant to be?
We’ll never know

THE CHRONICLES

When I could not give my heart out I could not truly love and I could not say that at that time I was living. Looking back at all those times I do not think I would have ever seen myself as a person capable of letting go, but here we are, here I am and there you are. No longer whole but more complete than I was when I was alone… this is how my thoughts were shaped



I go out in search,
To make you a PARTNER,
Not a SUBORDINATE.
I invite you in; show you what you stand to gain
And ask what you have to offer,
Yet you want me to do all the ground work, all the time.
I call you a FRIEND,
Yet you want me as a SLAVE
I will not be shacked by the chains of a RELATIONSHIP
If you can not meet me halfway
Then stay on your own
I will not cross my line…
NOT YET

TIME HAS MOVED PLACES...

The month of May has come and gone and it seems like I have had so much to do, I have so little time to write. Truth be told, I indeed had little time to spend in front of the computer at all. When such a long time has gone by, a lot of events have taken place, from the very minute ‘hello’s’ to the most unexpected. But those that stay foremost on the mind are usually those that would and should and eventually have a lasting impression on the mind. I would not want to use the word ‘breakup’, I’d rather use the word (borrowed from my friend Nelson) ‘mutual separation’, Yes! I had a mutual separation from my Girlfriend this month and it is proving to be a very difficult task ‘letting go’ of the one person you really looked forward to seeing every other evening, but that is part of life and it goes on. My heart aches and at times like this I play a lot of music. When I say ‘times like this’ I mean times when I was made to leave someone I really, really liked and that has not happened often at all, actually this is like the second time technically. But I a m not going to bore you with the details of this ‘mutual separation’, rather I would like to dedicate the next couple of post to the experiences of love as gathered from experiences, mine and that of others. THE LOVE CHRONICLES. I hope you can relate to it and share in their emotions and stuff but most importantly enjoy it.
I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE NO SHAME IN IT COS THERE IS NO GREATER FEELING IN THIS WORLD THAT COULD DRIVE A MAN TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE. TRUE FREEDOM LIES IN THE ABILITY TO LOVE AND DEMAND TO BE LOVED BACK.

Did I Piss You Off?

I am a nice guy! Statement of Fact, you could sue me for that, but I’d still be a nice guy. I’m not blowing my own trumpet or anything for that matter; it’s just the fact that the word “attitude” is now being mistaken to mean arrogance. I… OK, we all love a confident person be it in a workplace, relationship, anything or anywhere you can think of, we love confidence, either ours or that of our partner or friend or associate as long as it does not rob us of our own (confidence). Now, when and more importantly how do I know when to tune down my ‘cockiness’ to suit people whom it should suit? Who should benefit from my own confidence order than myself? Is that selfish? Everyone at one point or the other wants his or her ego to be stroked and it occurs more vividly among the male folk but even the ladies love to be ‘made up’ to look a little bigger than they actually are and every now and then she’d say, ‘how’s my hair?’, ‘did you notice my eye shadow?’ ‘You have not complimented my new boob job’. Stroke her ego, just a little every now and then but never over do it. At the end of the day, some of the flattery gets to our heads ‘OMG! I am so pretty’ and we begin to worship ourselves. Then you here ‘you are so full of yourself’ or more derogatorily, ‘you are full of shit’ and you wonder how it all started. Well I’ll let you in on a secret; the less we hear about ourselves the more we want to be heard of. It works in 2 ways, either you try too hard to please or you just get too self aware and overindulge yourself. The first may make you a saint or a fool, while the latter could make you vain or ambitious. But at the end it’s not what we all say that matters but what you BELIEVE. I hate you doesn’t make either of us a bad person so lets live and of course, let live. Did I offend you earlier? Deal with it or me. Which ever way you have a dealing to do but be sure to do it very well and… always prepare for the repercaution.

SINCERELY WRITING!

It is from the depth of my heart, and filled with utmost respect, that I decide to bare my soul, for no man ever made a mark by being someone else. I want to be among the greats of the world, a mind that would be so envied that even I would stand in awe in heaven and thank God for a life well spent. I can only be the best that ‘I’ can be and that’s not to say that an ‘ok’ me is not good enough but, come to think of it, good was not good enough that’s why better came along only to be ‘bested’ by the best. I feel I am still young and that the full potentials of this mind are yet to be attained. I came across a saying sometime ago, ‘if it isn’t fun, don’t do it’, and I ask is my life fun? I know we all have heard about life not being a bed of roses and all that and we have come to accept it, we have accepted that we live in a world filled with limitations and disappointments, many of us even take a pessimistic view on life in general. ‘What good can come out of Bethlehem?’ I do know that salvation came from there and to many other pessimistic questions, why this? Why that? Well, why not? Life is not all about being perfect or working towards perfection because the perfection we so seek and desire is viewed through an imperfect lens, clouded by dishonesty, corruption, violence. It seems so easy to point out our imperfections and that of the world than to appreciate the wonders of our creation. And as my thoughts drift in and out of crazy and wonderful ideas, I wonder, am I the only person with such a mind? Of course not, and the greatest of such minds may as well not have been born but the propagation of our species over the years have led us to believe that it is the fittest that survive. I do not know much and indeed all that’s left to be known far surpasses what we know now, so the boundaries we have created for ourselves are willfully and eventually torn down to open a new horizon, a world of endless possibilities and I can assure myself first that this world is just around the corner. Our differences aside, we all are creatures of order, peace, unity and growth. It is all embedded in our genetic make up to be orderly and even in the midst of the external forces of chaos, we all so long for the peace from within, that shining light that re-assures us that we are not just matter that exist to occupy space but are the beings that BE. Love is magical, love is precious, and love is universal. We all want to love and be loved in return, so why don’t we just love? It always comes back to us…

COMING SOON!

SO, WAS THAT YOU?



I looked through the window of my little shelter, rain drops still scattered sparingly on the partly cemented floor. I felt like going out this evening but where would I go? At times like this I wished I smoked or indulged in some kind of social activity that would enable me just go out on my own and not be seen as a loner. Of course I am not a loner, I have a lot of friends and numerous acquaintances, but just this time I felt I should be alone. I was not depressed but was in a very reflective and sober mood. ‘I need a retreat’, I thought to my self the previous day but now I needed to go out. What shall I do with my freedom again? This new freedom I have been blessed with. I vowed not to make the same mistakes I made with my previous freedoms; in boarding school, in the university, in youth service camp. No! Not the same mistakes. I had to make a responsible use of my life for now and from now on. I knew I was in no hurry to settle down and, thank goodness I was under no form of pressure, at least for the moment. My whole life, like a clean slate lay in front of me and I made an oath to write on it with as few mistakes and less grave ones at that. This retreat of mine would usher me from young man to ‘elderly, respected young citizen’. All my dreams, aspirations, my future looked and felt brighter. What could possibly go wrong now? All I have to do is make use of all my past mistakes and make my present life and the imminent future, something to look forward to. I, Toby would shock the world, in a good way, and I intend to rule the world! As for my past, lets hope it does not come up too often in any discussions, let sleeping dogs lie, although I would prefer DIE, but you know what they say, kill the past, kill the future. That’s me, my past and hopefully a future you all will envy and talk about for years to come.


*** EXCERPTS FROM ‘THE TALE OF HISTORY’
A BOOK BY Uche Onuma© 2010