HOW TO “NOT GET CAUGHT”: a guide on how to cheat (and not be cheated on) successfully

Notice: before you continue to read, take note.

This piece does not encourage cheating by any partner. If you want to cheat, be single.

This is neither a professional nor personal advice.

I would like you to take a deep breath, close your eyes and picture that person you love the most (if you are in a relationship with them already) or the person you would love to date. Your heart should skip a beat or something like that. In all honesty, it is only you who knows how that person makes you feel and why you want to be with them. So why is this article important? Well, because we are all human beings and we are all weaker than we would like to admit (male and female). The power of love has nothing to do with the passion and intensity of lust at its peak.

So may be, once or twice you have decided to put your hands into someone else cookie jar and it still did not diminish your love for your partner (if that is ever possible) and you find yourself always going back to have a taste of that forbidden fruit. You begin to invest in this affair in more than one way, how do you preserve your love for your “real” partner till you figure out how to overcome your basal needs and return to the arms of your one true love? How do you keep the flame of this affair burning till it burns out and you can run back to the arms of your partner without any guilt?

There is no short cut. If there is no guilt, there is no love. Now, the other question is can you live with the guilt? I will skip through all the personal karma and what nots and go straight to how to appear like an angel to your partner even when you are still cheating on them (not professional or personal).

The techniques discussed below would be most effective if you and your partner do not live in the same house.

1.       Reserve energy. No matter how intense the flames of desire burns, do not and I repeat, do not invest much energy in it. Always have a reserve so as not to get attached to this said fling and also to avoid the error of “I am tired, I am exhausted or I am not in the mood”. These words are a red flag, and show you have been ploughing in someone else farm. Try not to go overboard in trying to woo or impress a fling. Do not buy gifts for them or a new cloth for yourself when it is not a festive season. Never fix 2 dates on the same day or at the same venue.

2.       Information. Always let your partner know your whereabouts. If you want to go to a hotel tell your partner what hotel you are going to. Always keep the communication channel open and never let them have a feeling that you are hiding something. Do not be discreet. Reveal as much as you can but enough to douse any doubt or extinguish suspicion.

3.       Alibi. When you cheat, you have to lie, so if you want to lie, do not just tell a lie, live a lie. Get yourself an alibi that holds and you will enjoy your affair with no iota of guilt. So as not to overdo it, here is a tip. Do not let all your alibi be perfect, let your partner catch you on some occasions. A lesser evil than what you are into could suffice and still make you look human. A drink with the boys, a shopping spree, a night of partying, anything but the truth. If it is always work and business, that also is a red flag.

4.       Memory. Never forget anything, especially not to the detriment of your “real” relationship. Dates, venues and time. Names of alibi must always check and be easy to remember. Write it down if you must in a diary for quick reference. A good way to never forget is to keep it simple.

5.       Deny. This is the last technique as handed down for many years. As a popular 90’s song goes “it wasn’t me”. If you have carried out the above techniques well, you won’t have to resort to this except if your partner works for the CIA , like Schwarznegger did in true lies or in the movie unfaithful where Richard Gere hires a private detective  to follow his wife around. In that case, even the “deny” skill won’t help you.

Once you get caught, you have to weigh your options and choose wisely for yourself the lesser evil or punishment, or just live with the consequences. Why did you engage in the affair in the first place? (Sorry! Judgemental me again).

This information is both educative (I guess) and revealing. If you follow the techniques backwards, you would be able to find out if your partner is cheating on you or not. As I have said before, all men are not cheats or dogs and all ladies are not sluts, but just to be sure you are protected, know these techniques and watch for the signs that he or she puts out there intentionally to mislead you. Did I hear litmus test? No! There is no litmus test, a cheat is slippery and slimy and difficult to catch and sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling.  Most importantly try and not be too paranoid. Know your worth and invest in a good relationship. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of a heartbreak caused by an unfaithful partner.

 The only way not to get caught is not to commit...

How to get married before December: A ladies guide to every man’s heart.

Pressure, that’s the word that best describes the feeling a single lady could have towards the end of the year. Many couples fix their weddings and engagements around the holiday season (why do they do that?), so from early November to mid march, a lot of weddings take place. In this part of the world where single motherhood is not fully accepted and a lot of religious bodies frown at co habitation without the proper rites of marriage, this season could be a horrible period for ladies especially if they are surrounded by friends who are getting married or who are already married. With the year coming to an end and still no ring this is a sure guide to get you a man (if you don’t have at all) or get your man (if you are sure he is your man) to pop the question before the end of next year.

First, it is very easy to get a man. Men are like monkeys, they want the banana so much that they don’t mind getting caged for it (it has to be a really big comfortable cage though), and funny enough all women have the banana men want (at least the straight men). The first thing a man looks at is you, your body, your poise and grace and elegance and beauty. If he is a “T-shirt and Denim” guy, dress like a “T- shirt and Denim” chick. Or to cut a long story short, obey the rules of attraction.

Next, if you are single (I am guessing you are), don’t appear otherwise, but please and please don’t appear desperate, that is the man’s role and desperation looks really bad on females. Hanging out a lot with married women or men too is a not too good approach. Single men hang around single men except you want to “steal” someone else’s man, then good luck to you. Plus, single men want to be around single ladies, and believe it when I tell you but every man is looking for a lady to take home to mama.  Leave the attitude at home as often as possible but do not compromise your values. Mr. Perfect does not exist and Hollywood is trying to correct the mistakes of M& B type romance novels that brainwashed a lot of teenage girls(now ladies).

Do not waste your time with a player, do not be in a hurry to define it, though if he hasn’t defined it after let’s say 2 months then I think you are free to ask him what you guys are doing and where this is heading.

Sex is a very difficult topic and more so because of varied ideologies on the topics especially before marriage. I would simply say don’t do it if you don’t want to. Sex won’t keep a man. So don’t let it be your only card. If he likes you enough, he will compromise on certain aspects and believe me, men can do without sex much longer than they would have you believe (that is not on any authority though). If the sex is present and active, enjoy it, but do not think you are giving him anything special. Its either you want to have sex or not, never offer sex as a way into his heart (maybe pocket, but never heart).

Men love food, or drinks, but more often food than drinks. Cooking is a lovely way to win his heart, but not too soon before you turn to his free “iya basira”. Before you think of cooking for him, he must have hinted at some form of long term relationship. Please its important you do the cooking, better still cook in his presence, if you end up getting married, he would have to help one way or the other in that department, we are Africans but these are modern times (sadly). If he can cook, allow him cook for you; that should be a good way to bond.

Many ladies default in the aspect of being real, real with expectations and real with who they are. He may not have a car, or a fat bank account or the job at an oil company, you want that, and I am sure he also wants that, the reality, however is not one that allows for wishful thinking. Some people are fortunate to have it all, while others have to work their way up the corporate ladder to achieve success and financial security. Whatever you feel you deserve from life, add a little bit of reality and leave the Hollywood stories in Hollywood.

Finally, marriage is not the end. It is, however a beginning of a life long journey, in which your life and that of your partner has to be most times in sync with each other. Do not rush into it because your “bffs” are all married. Take your time and ask yourself if marriage is what you want. Ask God to guide you and try not to whore around before you are ready in the name of “enjoying your youth”. It could work for some, but not so much for others. Plus Karma is one hell of a b!&#h. Do not lead men on just to prove to yourself that “you still gat it”.

It is safe to believe in love, however, do not be naive cos some monkeys would just run away once they get the banana and have you wondering why they left the comfort of the cage you created for them

PS: do not take this as professional advice.