Would it be any different?

This time of the year, a lot of people review how the year was and what could be different. We all are blessed with the gift of hind-sight but fore-sight? Not so much. We promise not to repeat certain mistakes in the New Year and endeavour to avoid certain company that could potentially be more stagnating than progressive. We give ourselves the luxury of a second chance, as many as we can afford with ourselves and in truth, we deserve as many second chances as there possibly is. Last year was probably not “the year” and neither was this year, but next year could be that year or the year after that or the one after that. So would next year be any different? Would we do things differently? Would we improve or change? These questions could hamper many a soul in the search of a second chance (or 3^rd or 4^th chance as the case may be). The only option left to any human who is still alive and willing to live is to try again, as many times as possible. It may be the job or career, the dream house or personal projects; it may be in that relationship you just can seem to get over. It could be a habit you want to drop or one you want to pick up, a new skill you have tried to acquire, a certification or just a level of expectation you may have set for yourself or others have set for you. Would you succeed in it next year? I do not know, but what I know and I am sure you know it too is that, we just have to try. In the words of Marshall Matters aka Eminem “success is my only modaf*%kin option, failure is not”. So do not be disheartened by the failures and short-comings of 2013 0r all other previous years. You are still alive and you can still achieve it.

Was the previous trail any success? Did I try as hard as I should have? Was it meant to be? Or was it just a phase? Is there anything I could have done different? Is it over? All these questions (and more) continue to meddle with the option of actually trying again and proffers more than one rational reason not to go down the road already travelled, and most times it is the wise voice in our head that says “one more time”, that we tend to listen to. We want to try again, because we are creatures of 2^nd chances. We never give up and even if the alternative may seem pleasing and safe, not knowing what would have been, if we tried a little harder drives us back unto this said road. May be for closure or just to figure out what went wrong or what was missing. The puzzle is and can only be solved ultimately by trying and trying and trying.

The second chance may have the same outcome as the first and that could be a very demoralizing factor, but you can’t stop, you shouldn’t, you could only hope that one day you figure it all out. But, till then, we all have to live and keep on keeping on.

The Promise

I’d like to promise you today, the future of which I am not sure of.

Truly speaking, I tremble at the mere thought of what I am about to say to you, simply because I believe every word with every fibre of my being.

I really hope you believe it because that would be the whole point.

I promise to love you with everything I have, to fight for this love till the very end. For better for worse and all that. Forever is not long enough. I want you to know that nothing in this world can stop me from loving you. This is nothing physical cos I don’t see you with my eyes but my heart and it beats from this moment on for no one else but you.

I will cherish every moment I get to spend with you and hold it close to my heart. Your happiness is my sole purpose in life and I will go to the ends of the earth just to make you happy.

I may not have it all now, but for you, I will. I will give you all my attention and all my love and anything else you want.

No matter what happens, I will be there for you, even in the dead of night. I will never leave you.

I promise never to turn my back on you, never to make you cry and always to treat you like the queen you are.

I just met you today, but truly, this is how I feel for you and I mean every single word of what I just said.

THIS IS AS CLOSE TO THE WASH OF LIFE AS THERE CAN EVER BE

THE DATE: the way it goes before it goes well

This is what broke guys like me, do when we have a little time on our hands and internet access. We observe and share our observation. Today is no different. Still broke with a little time and internet access, I go to a public place, the kind of place guys take their girlfriends or prospective girlfriends to, to have a good time. I am guilty of this said act, but only when I am not broke. Sadly today, I am broke, so what do I do with my attention, as I have no one to share it with I simply observe.

What do I observe today? Well! Simply put, girls are not too kind. Here is the scenario.

Man A takes lady A to a restaurant to get ice cream and sharwarma and all the things lady A wants that she would rather not spend her money on because she is busy buying make up and clothes and jewellery, I am assuming she uses her money (judgemental me). Coming into the restaurant, Man A and lady A are holding hands and smiling and all chatty and touching and rubbing arms and I am like “wow! Lovely couple”. Man A places order for lady A’s choice and she orders mercilessly. Man A is trying not to lose his cool, his facial expression is hiding the pain in his heart. He finally heaves a sigh of relief as lady A concludes her order and he politely ask for “water”. Cliché? Well the pocket don’t lie. So, they assemble at the table and from my vantage point, I can’t hear the conversation but as lady A consumes the banquet before her, she smiles at him and they have a very lovely lunch. Time is ticking and I see her looking at her watch, the banquet is not yet finished but it is obvious that lady A has had her fill. She looks at Man A pleadingly, pointing at her watch, I am guessing she has to go cos she has a curfew or lectures or another date, Man A is trying to be as composed as he can be, before his eyes the waste of the incompletely consumed banquet that can feed 5000 and still fill 12 wicker baskets, his money (borrowed or pocket money or hustled). She gesticulates that she has to go, her pleading look begins to turn into a frown, Man A is beginning to waste her time and she is getting offended. Man A tries to be a gentle man and finally obliges her, they get up, Man A approaches the counter to pay the bill but Lady A is walking briskly to the exit of the restaurant. I laugh a little but I really pity Man A, I have been there many times and may still visit this scenario myself sometime in the future, I really don’t know. Man A pays and looks around for lady A, she is no where around him, he finally spots her at the exit of the restaurant on her phone, laughing and giggling at whoever is on the other side of the line. Man A approaches and tries to hold her, “atleast lets go out the way we came in” he must be thinking, but lady A is having none of that, still on the phone she takes the lead as she hurriedly leaves the restaurant environment, Man A trying to catch up with her as they both scamper out of my sight and back into their own respective worlds of whatever they were before I observed. The end justifies the means should be his consolation for the day.

I smile, I have been here before and I have observed this particular scenario with multiple variations and multiple characters involved and I know what is happening in each persons head. All I can say is that it is more of a pleasure to observe such than to be in the shoes of Man A, at least at that moment.

How to get married before December: A ladies guide to every man’s heart.

Pressure, that’s the word that best describes the feeling a single lady could have towards the end of the year. Many couples fix their weddings and engagements around the holiday season (why do they do that?), so from early November to mid march, a lot of weddings take place. In this part of the world where single motherhood is not fully accepted and a lot of religious bodies frown at co habitation without the proper rites of marriage, this season could be a horrible period for ladies especially if they are surrounded by friends who are getting married or who are already married. With the year coming to an end and still no ring this is a sure guide to get you a man (if you don’t have at all) or get your man (if you are sure he is your man) to pop the question before the end of next year.

First, it is very easy to get a man. Men are like monkeys, they want the banana so much that they don’t mind getting caged for it (it has to be a really big comfortable cage though), and funny enough all women have the banana men want (at least the straight men). The first thing a man looks at is you, your body, your poise and grace and elegance and beauty. If he is a “T-shirt and Denim” guy, dress like a “T- shirt and Denim” chick. Or to cut a long story short, obey the rules of attraction.

Next, if you are single (I am guessing you are), don’t appear otherwise, but please and please don’t appear desperate, that is the man’s role and desperation looks really bad on females. Hanging out a lot with married women or men too is a not too good approach. Single men hang around single men except you want to “steal” someone else’s man, then good luck to you. Plus, single men want to be around single ladies, and believe it when I tell you but every man is looking for a lady to take home to mama.  Leave the attitude at home as often as possible but do not compromise your values. Mr. Perfect does not exist and Hollywood is trying to correct the mistakes of M& B type romance novels that brainwashed a lot of teenage girls(now ladies).

Do not waste your time with a player, do not be in a hurry to define it, though if he hasn’t defined it after let’s say 2 months then I think you are free to ask him what you guys are doing and where this is heading.

Sex is a very difficult topic and more so because of varied ideologies on the topics especially before marriage. I would simply say don’t do it if you don’t want to. Sex won’t keep a man. So don’t let it be your only card. If he likes you enough, he will compromise on certain aspects and believe me, men can do without sex much longer than they would have you believe (that is not on any authority though). If the sex is present and active, enjoy it, but do not think you are giving him anything special. Its either you want to have sex or not, never offer sex as a way into his heart (maybe pocket, but never heart).

Men love food, or drinks, but more often food than drinks. Cooking is a lovely way to win his heart, but not too soon before you turn to his free “iya basira”. Before you think of cooking for him, he must have hinted at some form of long term relationship. Please its important you do the cooking, better still cook in his presence, if you end up getting married, he would have to help one way or the other in that department, we are Africans but these are modern times (sadly). If he can cook, allow him cook for you; that should be a good way to bond.

Many ladies default in the aspect of being real, real with expectations and real with who they are. He may not have a car, or a fat bank account or the job at an oil company, you want that, and I am sure he also wants that, the reality, however is not one that allows for wishful thinking. Some people are fortunate to have it all, while others have to work their way up the corporate ladder to achieve success and financial security. Whatever you feel you deserve from life, add a little bit of reality and leave the Hollywood stories in Hollywood.

Finally, marriage is not the end. It is, however a beginning of a life long journey, in which your life and that of your partner has to be most times in sync with each other. Do not rush into it because your “bffs” are all married. Take your time and ask yourself if marriage is what you want. Ask God to guide you and try not to whore around before you are ready in the name of “enjoying your youth”. It could work for some, but not so much for others. Plus Karma is one hell of a b!&#h. Do not lead men on just to prove to yourself that “you still gat it”.

It is safe to believe in love, however, do not be naive cos some monkeys would just run away once they get the banana and have you wondering why they left the comfort of the cage you created for them

PS: do not take this as professional advice.

HOW TO GET INTO LADIES PANTS (authoritative skills from the portfolio of a novice)

To get into a lady’s pants is hard work. If you never got ‘the look’ from her or ‘the hand’, then this is not for you. If you are a lady or the female in a homosexual relationship, this is not for you either. If you have a weak spot for women, be you male or female, then this is absolutely for you.

Before I go on, I must tell you that the techniques discussed here have been tried out by millions of men and has shown a high success rate, (did I mention that I have never tried any of them out). Ok, here we go. There are 3 basic principles that must be strictly adhered to for success and they are very easy. The principles are deception, honesty and conviction. These principles must be understood and applied with fluency to achieve the goal (her pants) in as short a period as possible otherwise you, my good friend would be ZONED, and I am very sure neither of us want that.

I would abridge the process so you won’t have to read through a manual like guide. This will serve as a "success key points" kind of short cut to ultimate success and like any other skill I don’t have, practice makes perfect, so keep trying the principles out, on different girls of course and always feel free to mix it up so as not to get bored of the system itself and resolve to fail intentionally when next success is guaranteed.

So to the first principle. DECEPTION.

Deception needs no definition of its own because its sound is self explanatory, deception is deception, what it is not. So, to carry out this principle just think of what you are not, and what you think she wants that you are not. Do not be you, be a pop star, a porn star or a basic super star but don’t be yourself. Take her to places you can’t afford, and introduce her to people that are not your friends or family or colleagues at a fake office. In short fool yourself so much that both you and her begin to believe this false persona that you have created to the point where both of you fall in love with it. Make sure she wants this false persona so much that you could decide to travel to the Bahamas in a private jet just to get her candy and she would still be all over you. If you do not have that type of money to actually spend, pretend to spend it by buying from a cheap shop and calling it Dubai, borrow a real friends luxury items and dash it back to them in a great show of benevolence and grand charity. Call Denzel Washington and Morgan freeman as often as you can or source local talent like davido, burna boy and shontizzle. Give her so much fake trips that she feels like you are a star and she, your groupie.

Nb: this should take from as little as 30mins to 3 days to accomplish otherwise change to the next principle

The next principle is HONESTY. This needs no definition too as it is what it says it is. The principle of honesty is telling the lady or broad exactly what you want, not as soon as you can but as soon as she needs to hear it. Not before, not after. Timing is everything with the honesty principle. This doesn’t mean you tell her who you really are, it means you just tone down on the deception to the acceptable minimum and hit the nail on the head. ‘I want to get into your pants’. Not explicitly like that but suggestive enough to walk away without been looked upon as a sex starved pervert.

Nb: honesty should be carried out in a very quiet environment or a very loud environment. The condition must be extreme for maximum efficacy and all phones must be neutralized.

To the last principle. CONVICTION. No introduction needed for him as he is the most vital principle and must be perfected well ahead of time for any hope of success. Everybody wants to be convinced. Some convince others that love is real while others want to be convinced that there is love at first sight. Whatever it is, you have to find a way to know what she wants to be convinced about and make it work for you. If she wants love, convince her that you are cupids arrow, if she wants lust, tell her you are the apple Eve gave to Adam, if she wants fame and fortune, convince her that you are famous and fortunate (don’t show her), the thing about convincing her is that you have to make her believe that what she seeks is there somewhere but never SHOW HER ALL. In trying to convince her, you have to work on her mind so that she is convinced on her own (through your own suggestions).

Nb: you have to be subtle in your conviction and not desperate. Do not convince for more than 48 hours.

Having said all these, remember to mix it up and keep practicing on the numerous girls out there. One day, you too will master the art of the 3 lethal strikes that always work and become a blogger about it (just like me). Till I come up with another closely observable trait in modern men, enjoy!!!!!