HOW TO “NOT GET CAUGHT”: a guide on how to cheat (and not be cheated on) successfully

Notice: before you continue to read, take note.

This piece does not encourage cheating by any partner. If you want to cheat, be single.

This is neither a professional nor personal advice.

I would like you to take a deep breath, close your eyes and picture that person you love the most (if you are in a relationship with them already) or the person you would love to date. Your heart should skip a beat or something like that. In all honesty, it is only you who knows how that person makes you feel and why you want to be with them. So why is this article important? Well, because we are all human beings and we are all weaker than we would like to admit (male and female). The power of love has nothing to do with the passion and intensity of lust at its peak.

So may be, once or twice you have decided to put your hands into someone else cookie jar and it still did not diminish your love for your partner (if that is ever possible) and you find yourself always going back to have a taste of that forbidden fruit. You begin to invest in this affair in more than one way, how do you preserve your love for your “real” partner till you figure out how to overcome your basal needs and return to the arms of your one true love? How do you keep the flame of this affair burning till it burns out and you can run back to the arms of your partner without any guilt?

There is no short cut. If there is no guilt, there is no love. Now, the other question is can you live with the guilt? I will skip through all the personal karma and what nots and go straight to how to appear like an angel to your partner even when you are still cheating on them (not professional or personal).

The techniques discussed below would be most effective if you and your partner do not live in the same house.

1.       Reserve energy. No matter how intense the flames of desire burns, do not and I repeat, do not invest much energy in it. Always have a reserve so as not to get attached to this said fling and also to avoid the error of “I am tired, I am exhausted or I am not in the mood”. These words are a red flag, and show you have been ploughing in someone else farm. Try not to go overboard in trying to woo or impress a fling. Do not buy gifts for them or a new cloth for yourself when it is not a festive season. Never fix 2 dates on the same day or at the same venue.

2.       Information. Always let your partner know your whereabouts. If you want to go to a hotel tell your partner what hotel you are going to. Always keep the communication channel open and never let them have a feeling that you are hiding something. Do not be discreet. Reveal as much as you can but enough to douse any doubt or extinguish suspicion.

3.       Alibi. When you cheat, you have to lie, so if you want to lie, do not just tell a lie, live a lie. Get yourself an alibi that holds and you will enjoy your affair with no iota of guilt. So as not to overdo it, here is a tip. Do not let all your alibi be perfect, let your partner catch you on some occasions. A lesser evil than what you are into could suffice and still make you look human. A drink with the boys, a shopping spree, a night of partying, anything but the truth. If it is always work and business, that also is a red flag.

4.       Memory. Never forget anything, especially not to the detriment of your “real” relationship. Dates, venues and time. Names of alibi must always check and be easy to remember. Write it down if you must in a diary for quick reference. A good way to never forget is to keep it simple.

5.       Deny. This is the last technique as handed down for many years. As a popular 90’s song goes “it wasn’t me”. If you have carried out the above techniques well, you won’t have to resort to this except if your partner works for the CIA , like Schwarznegger did in true lies or in the movie unfaithful where Richard Gere hires a private detective  to follow his wife around. In that case, even the “deny” skill won’t help you.

Once you get caught, you have to weigh your options and choose wisely for yourself the lesser evil or punishment, or just live with the consequences. Why did you engage in the affair in the first place? (Sorry! Judgemental me again).

This information is both educative (I guess) and revealing. If you follow the techniques backwards, you would be able to find out if your partner is cheating on you or not. As I have said before, all men are not cheats or dogs and all ladies are not sluts, but just to be sure you are protected, know these techniques and watch for the signs that he or she puts out there intentionally to mislead you. Did I hear litmus test? No! There is no litmus test, a cheat is slippery and slimy and difficult to catch and sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling.  Most importantly try and not be too paranoid. Know your worth and invest in a good relationship. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of a heartbreak caused by an unfaithful partner.

 The only way not to get caught is not to commit...

Would it be any different?

This time of the year, a lot of people review how the year was and what could be different. We all are blessed with the gift of hind-sight but fore-sight? Not so much. We promise not to repeat certain mistakes in the New Year and endeavour to avoid certain company that could potentially be more stagnating than progressive. We give ourselves the luxury of a second chance, as many as we can afford with ourselves and in truth, we deserve as many second chances as there possibly is. Last year was probably not “the year” and neither was this year, but next year could be that year or the year after that or the one after that. So would next year be any different? Would we do things differently? Would we improve or change? These questions could hamper many a soul in the search of a second chance (or 3^rd or 4^th chance as the case may be). The only option left to any human who is still alive and willing to live is to try again, as many times as possible. It may be the job or career, the dream house or personal projects; it may be in that relationship you just can seem to get over. It could be a habit you want to drop or one you want to pick up, a new skill you have tried to acquire, a certification or just a level of expectation you may have set for yourself or others have set for you. Would you succeed in it next year? I do not know, but what I know and I am sure you know it too is that, we just have to try. In the words of Marshall Matters aka Eminem “success is my only modaf*%kin option, failure is not”. So do not be disheartened by the failures and short-comings of 2013 0r all other previous years. You are still alive and you can still achieve it.

Was the previous trail any success? Did I try as hard as I should have? Was it meant to be? Or was it just a phase? Is there anything I could have done different? Is it over? All these questions (and more) continue to meddle with the option of actually trying again and proffers more than one rational reason not to go down the road already travelled, and most times it is the wise voice in our head that says “one more time”, that we tend to listen to. We want to try again, because we are creatures of 2^nd chances. We never give up and even if the alternative may seem pleasing and safe, not knowing what would have been, if we tried a little harder drives us back unto this said road. May be for closure or just to figure out what went wrong or what was missing. The puzzle is and can only be solved ultimately by trying and trying and trying.

The second chance may have the same outcome as the first and that could be a very demoralizing factor, but you can’t stop, you shouldn’t, you could only hope that one day you figure it all out. But, till then, we all have to live and keep on keeping on.

The Promise

I’d like to promise you today, the future of which I am not sure of.

Truly speaking, I tremble at the mere thought of what I am about to say to you, simply because I believe every word with every fibre of my being.

I really hope you believe it because that would be the whole point.

I promise to love you with everything I have, to fight for this love till the very end. For better for worse and all that. Forever is not long enough. I want you to know that nothing in this world can stop me from loving you. This is nothing physical cos I don’t see you with my eyes but my heart and it beats from this moment on for no one else but you.

I will cherish every moment I get to spend with you and hold it close to my heart. Your happiness is my sole purpose in life and I will go to the ends of the earth just to make you happy.

I may not have it all now, but for you, I will. I will give you all my attention and all my love and anything else you want.

No matter what happens, I will be there for you, even in the dead of night. I will never leave you.

I promise never to turn my back on you, never to make you cry and always to treat you like the queen you are.

I just met you today, but truly, this is how I feel for you and I mean every single word of what I just said.

THIS IS AS CLOSE TO THE WASH OF LIFE AS THERE CAN EVER BE

THE DATE: the way it goes before it goes well

This is what broke guys like me, do when we have a little time on our hands and internet access. We observe and share our observation. Today is no different. Still broke with a little time and internet access, I go to a public place, the kind of place guys take their girlfriends or prospective girlfriends to, to have a good time. I am guilty of this said act, but only when I am not broke. Sadly today, I am broke, so what do I do with my attention, as I have no one to share it with I simply observe.

What do I observe today? Well! Simply put, girls are not too kind. Here is the scenario.

Man A takes lady A to a restaurant to get ice cream and sharwarma and all the things lady A wants that she would rather not spend her money on because she is busy buying make up and clothes and jewellery, I am assuming she uses her money (judgemental me). Coming into the restaurant, Man A and lady A are holding hands and smiling and all chatty and touching and rubbing arms and I am like “wow! Lovely couple”. Man A places order for lady A’s choice and she orders mercilessly. Man A is trying not to lose his cool, his facial expression is hiding the pain in his heart. He finally heaves a sigh of relief as lady A concludes her order and he politely ask for “water”. Cliché? Well the pocket don’t lie. So, they assemble at the table and from my vantage point, I can’t hear the conversation but as lady A consumes the banquet before her, she smiles at him and they have a very lovely lunch. Time is ticking and I see her looking at her watch, the banquet is not yet finished but it is obvious that lady A has had her fill. She looks at Man A pleadingly, pointing at her watch, I am guessing she has to go cos she has a curfew or lectures or another date, Man A is trying to be as composed as he can be, before his eyes the waste of the incompletely consumed banquet that can feed 5000 and still fill 12 wicker baskets, his money (borrowed or pocket money or hustled). She gesticulates that she has to go, her pleading look begins to turn into a frown, Man A is beginning to waste her time and she is getting offended. Man A tries to be a gentle man and finally obliges her, they get up, Man A approaches the counter to pay the bill but Lady A is walking briskly to the exit of the restaurant. I laugh a little but I really pity Man A, I have been there many times and may still visit this scenario myself sometime in the future, I really don’t know. Man A pays and looks around for lady A, she is no where around him, he finally spots her at the exit of the restaurant on her phone, laughing and giggling at whoever is on the other side of the line. Man A approaches and tries to hold her, “atleast lets go out the way we came in” he must be thinking, but lady A is having none of that, still on the phone she takes the lead as she hurriedly leaves the restaurant environment, Man A trying to catch up with her as they both scamper out of my sight and back into their own respective worlds of whatever they were before I observed. The end justifies the means should be his consolation for the day.

I smile, I have been here before and I have observed this particular scenario with multiple variations and multiple characters involved and I know what is happening in each persons head. All I can say is that it is more of a pleasure to observe such than to be in the shoes of Man A, at least at that moment.

How to get married before December: A ladies guide to every man’s heart.

Pressure, that’s the word that best describes the feeling a single lady could have towards the end of the year. Many couples fix their weddings and engagements around the holiday season (why do they do that?), so from early November to mid march, a lot of weddings take place. In this part of the world where single motherhood is not fully accepted and a lot of religious bodies frown at co habitation without the proper rites of marriage, this season could be a horrible period for ladies especially if they are surrounded by friends who are getting married or who are already married. With the year coming to an end and still no ring this is a sure guide to get you a man (if you don’t have at all) or get your man (if you are sure he is your man) to pop the question before the end of next year.

First, it is very easy to get a man. Men are like monkeys, they want the banana so much that they don’t mind getting caged for it (it has to be a really big comfortable cage though), and funny enough all women have the banana men want (at least the straight men). The first thing a man looks at is you, your body, your poise and grace and elegance and beauty. If he is a “T-shirt and Denim” guy, dress like a “T- shirt and Denim” chick. Or to cut a long story short, obey the rules of attraction.

Next, if you are single (I am guessing you are), don’t appear otherwise, but please and please don’t appear desperate, that is the man’s role and desperation looks really bad on females. Hanging out a lot with married women or men too is a not too good approach. Single men hang around single men except you want to “steal” someone else’s man, then good luck to you. Plus, single men want to be around single ladies, and believe it when I tell you but every man is looking for a lady to take home to mama.  Leave the attitude at home as often as possible but do not compromise your values. Mr. Perfect does not exist and Hollywood is trying to correct the mistakes of M& B type romance novels that brainwashed a lot of teenage girls(now ladies).

Do not waste your time with a player, do not be in a hurry to define it, though if he hasn’t defined it after let’s say 2 months then I think you are free to ask him what you guys are doing and where this is heading.

Sex is a very difficult topic and more so because of varied ideologies on the topics especially before marriage. I would simply say don’t do it if you don’t want to. Sex won’t keep a man. So don’t let it be your only card. If he likes you enough, he will compromise on certain aspects and believe me, men can do without sex much longer than they would have you believe (that is not on any authority though). If the sex is present and active, enjoy it, but do not think you are giving him anything special. Its either you want to have sex or not, never offer sex as a way into his heart (maybe pocket, but never heart).

Men love food, or drinks, but more often food than drinks. Cooking is a lovely way to win his heart, but not too soon before you turn to his free “iya basira”. Before you think of cooking for him, he must have hinted at some form of long term relationship. Please its important you do the cooking, better still cook in his presence, if you end up getting married, he would have to help one way or the other in that department, we are Africans but these are modern times (sadly). If he can cook, allow him cook for you; that should be a good way to bond.

Many ladies default in the aspect of being real, real with expectations and real with who they are. He may not have a car, or a fat bank account or the job at an oil company, you want that, and I am sure he also wants that, the reality, however is not one that allows for wishful thinking. Some people are fortunate to have it all, while others have to work their way up the corporate ladder to achieve success and financial security. Whatever you feel you deserve from life, add a little bit of reality and leave the Hollywood stories in Hollywood.

Finally, marriage is not the end. It is, however a beginning of a life long journey, in which your life and that of your partner has to be most times in sync with each other. Do not rush into it because your “bffs” are all married. Take your time and ask yourself if marriage is what you want. Ask God to guide you and try not to whore around before you are ready in the name of “enjoying your youth”. It could work for some, but not so much for others. Plus Karma is one hell of a b!&#h. Do not lead men on just to prove to yourself that “you still gat it”.

It is safe to believe in love, however, do not be naive cos some monkeys would just run away once they get the banana and have you wondering why they left the comfort of the cage you created for them

PS: do not take this as professional advice.