I do not want to go to my grave with all these things in my mind. Not that it is killing me but of what use is it if I thought it out but never said or acted on it. These are my confessions.
I lied to you on many occasions and it was not because I had anything to hide but just to create an event or sometimes to get caught and apologize. There were also the true lies, those that had to be told and I told them with the skill of an innocent man. In my face you seemed to believe them and I was content. It was for the best for us and I do not regret those lies. I have come to realize my imperfections as part of myself, but the fact that I do not and did not go in search of yours made me look more flawed than you. I did not search, not because of lack of interest but because I wanted you the way you were and now I wish I could say are.
Talking about lies, on many occasions I thought you lied to me, I never pressed further for evidence or proof to confirm my fears, I just lived with them and acted a fool. Sometimes I watched in jealousy and other times I just mocked at how foolish you thought me to be, but I still stayed there by your side. I could not rationalize my actions and on many occasions I would summon the courage to lie to myself, but futile was the efforts as your actions kept me awake all night, thinking, thinking of what I had done, what I could do and what I should have done. Those thoughts were my consolation on the nights I was home alone.
The truth was that I always had you on my mind and could not help myself from thinking about you. I was suffocating on the thought of you and your presence because you were always there and for I while I thought I could not live without you. I never complained because I never trusted myself to portray my feelings in the way they were felt and I loved it when you wanted some harsh words from me. Was I scared? Maybe! But the truth still is that I had no harsh words for you, to me you were perfect
The words that never came out of my mouth were those that would have brought you pain and I decided that none of such words would come out from my mouth. Many times I strayed and it was no fault of yours or those of my accomplices. I put myself into the occasions and put up minimal resistance on my part. You may say those were the moments of my weakness but I had many moments of weakness and for that I apologize. I hope you do not judge me by those actions because in truth there were many more occasions when I did resist and the thought in my head was how proud you would be of me if only you knew. And those times you told me of your own shortcomings I already knew about, I loved you the more because your telling me made me see how much we fitted into each others world. I hated you only for a second but make no mistake about it, it was no guilt that made me love you and it was not pity. I lied to myself that I did not care anymore but who was I kidding?
When we were apart for whatever reason, I played those mind games of not keeping in touch to see if I meant as much to you as you did to me, and lame as it might seem and foolish as I might look now, it made me stronger for the inevitable parting, but before then it gave me the confidence to do to and for you what I would not do for any other person.
Okay! I remember when I destroyed your work. It was in a bid to get back into your life. I knew and still know the power of ‘I’m sorry’ and I knew if you cared for us at all it would work. It was selfish of me and I apologize.
And on those days you wanted to see me and I made myself unavailable, it was very selfish of me knowing that you would leave any other program that had little impact on your career to be with me. I missed those days and I know I can not have it back but letting it out is as much consolation only if it would bring you back.
These are the words I wanted to say to you everyday but could not.
I LOVE YOU
And on this fifth year of your passing away, I know you are in heaven and you know that I will never love anyone as I have loved you.
Have no shame in telling the one you love how much you feel and care about them when they still breath
IN THE SEASON OF LOVE...SHOW LOVE TO THOSE YOU LOVE
