I UNDERSTAND.

I finally get it. I understand that my actions have been precipitated by certain subconscious reflexes, ‘the way I was brought up’ is the common dialect to explain that, but it has more to do with the way I perceive(d) things and was made to attach importance to them. A good name, I was told and indeed (made to) believe is more precious than silver and gold; and even if I can’t make a name for myself, I must strive not to destroy (the name) someone else, laboured over the years, tirelessly to create and establish- a family name. I finally get it. I understand that love is not everything and that many times it won’t be reciprocated, by me or others to those who show it; or to the measure to which it is shown. That those we offer our time to do not necessarily deserve it and those who do, do not always get it. That love grows and must be nurtured and guarded, irrespective of passions that could arise. One has to be ‘grown’ and smart about it (love) and it cannot be forced, it comes hand in hand with pain and both cannot be separated. ‘For whom the Lord loves, he chastises...’ (Heb 12:6) I finally get it. I understand that our paths in life may cross, maybe more than once but if truly given to God to navigate, I may not understand at the time, but I can be rest assured that my life is on the right track. And I will make mistakes, maybe more than once, and fail one too many times, i would hope and be disappointed by people (especially people I love) and events, but unless my life and eventual death is meaningless, each mistake, disappointment and failure has a purpose and a message. I may not have any ‘principles’, but I will protect my family name I will guard my heart but still allow myself experience love. I will open my life to experiences of failure, disappointments and mistakes, but I won’t dwell in them. I finally get it I understand

ONCE WAS ENOUGH

She said, ‘I fell in love with you but more with the idea that we were perfect’ ‘You made it easy for me to love you the; you were calm and you gave me your time’ ‘You had my time, something very few people gain’ ‘I guess it was your patience and persistence, but then, I could not have you for 2 reasons You were not available You didn’t seem to want more than what we had’. ‘I gave you a million hints, the colloquial ‘green light’, you just seemed to ignore it or maybe you didn’t get it at all, I really didn’t know.’ ‘Then those days you teased me and made me jealous. I couldn’t bear it, but I really didn’t want you to go.’ ‘It felt good to feel the way you made me feel, I really didn’t need any other person, as long as I had you even if you weren’t mine.’ ‘Then you came out of nowhere with the notion I had harboured in my heart for so long... that we should be together, as a couple.’ ‘I had waited for years and when you made the ‘proposal’, my immediate response was the acceptance and dive in your arms, give you a kiss and then slap you across the face for taking so long, but my better judgement made me test your resolve.’ ‘I refused, not because I didn’t want you, I wanted you so badly, it was pure pain but I wanted you to have a little taste of what I went through, the pain.’ ‘Your resolve was tested and I was satisfied that you wanted me ‘that much’.’ ‘You spoke sweet nonsense to me and I felt you fall deeper and deeper in love with me. I still loved you then, like I have never loved any other but the time of wanting had taken its toll on my heart. I was growing up faster than I wanted and you loved me the same way you did from the beginning.’ ‘Sadly, what was cute then was just annoying now.’ ‘Don’t get me wrong, I loved you amidst the transition I was going through but deep down I knew you wouldn’t be able to love me the way I wanted to be loved.’ ‘I just need you to know that no matter what happens I will always love you’ When she finished I looked up and smiled, then I said ‘ONCE WAS ENOUGH’