The night

I dread the night, not the darkness, but the hours just before I fall asleep.
That time of the day when I'm all alone with my thought.
It is the same thoughts running through my.mind.
"will I ever feel that way again?"
"will I ever experience this ever again?"
I wish I could answer the numerous questions that keep.me awake.
My bodys' exhaustion wrestles my eyes shut and to body to.sleep, but my mind is awake.
To have and to have lost, is it actually better than to not have had at all?
I haven't any answers to the raging questions.
Each question only leads to more questions.
Strangely, I have a feeling that time will not heal this cut.
I tried everything in the book and it still seems like yesterday.
I surround myself with happiness and smiles and wealth, but within me, a deep scar,  huge hole, emptiness, a feeling of self implosion.
When this is all over, a big part of me would be dead.
For now, I can't sleep, I can't dream, but if I don't how will I ever wake up from this nightmare.