CONFESSIONS

I will not bore you with an introduction to wet your appetite. No! I will neither sugar coat my words to make them sound better or make me look good. I will not say anything aside from the truth and I will in the words of the greatest man that ever lived ask ‘he who is without sin, cast the first stone.
I do not want to go to my grave with all these things in my mind. Not that it is killing me but of what use is it if I thought it out but never said or acted on it. These are my confessions.
I lied to you on many occasions and it was not because I had anything to hide but just to create an event or sometimes to get caught and apologize. There were also the true lies, those that had to be told and I told them with the skill of an innocent man. In my face you seemed to believe them and I was content. It was for the best for us and I do not regret those lies. I have come to realize my imperfections as part of myself, but the fact that I do not and did not go in search of yours made me look more flawed than you. I did not search, not because of lack of interest but because I wanted you the way you were and now I wish I could say are.
Talking about lies, on many occasions I thought you lied to me, I never pressed further for evidence or proof to confirm my fears, I just lived with them and acted a fool. Sometimes I watched in jealousy and other times I just mocked at how foolish you thought me to be, but I still stayed there by your side. I could not rationalize my actions and on many occasions I would summon the courage to lie to myself, but futile was the efforts as your actions kept me awake all night, thinking, thinking of what I had done, what I could do and what I should have done. Those thoughts were my consolation on the nights I was home alone.
The truth was that I always had you on my mind and could not help myself from thinking about you. I was suffocating on the thought of you and your presence because you were always there and for I while I thought I could not live without you. I never complained because I never trusted myself to portray my feelings in the way they were felt and I loved it when you wanted some harsh words from me. Was I scared? Maybe! But the truth still is that I had no harsh words for you, to me you were perfect
The words that never came out of my mouth were those that would have brought you pain and I decided that none of such words would come out from my mouth. Many times I strayed and it was no fault of yours or those of my accomplices. I put myself into the occasions and put up minimal resistance on my part. You may say those were the moments of my weakness but I had many moments of weakness and for that I apologize. I hope you do not judge me by those actions because in truth there were many more occasions when I did resist and the thought in my head was how proud you would be of me if only you knew. And those times you told me of your own shortcomings I already knew about, I loved you the more because your telling me made me see how much we fitted into each others world. I hated you only for a second but make no mistake about it, it was no guilt that made me love you and it was not pity. I lied to myself that I did not care anymore but who was I kidding?
When we were apart for whatever reason, I played those mind games of not keeping in touch to see if I meant as much to you as you did to me, and lame as it might seem and foolish as I might look now, it made me stronger for the inevitable parting, but before then it gave me the confidence to do to and for you what I would not do for any other person.
Okay! I remember when I destroyed your work. It was in a bid to get back into your life. I knew and still know the power of ‘I’m sorry’ and I knew if you cared for us at all it would work. It was selfish of me and I apologize.
And on those days you wanted to see me and I made myself unavailable, it was very selfish of me knowing that you would leave any other program that had little impact on your career to be with me. I missed those days and I know I can not have it back but letting it out is as much consolation only if it would bring you back.
These are the words I wanted to say to you everyday but could not.
I LOVE YOU
And on this fifth year of your passing away, I know you are in heaven and you know that I will never love anyone as I have loved you.


Have no shame in telling the one you love how much you feel and care about them when they still breath
IN THE SEASON OF LOVE...SHOW LOVE TO THOSE YOU LOVE

REFLECTION

Can you see me?
Not the image but the substance
Can you tell me who I am?
Not the character portrayed but the role played

I can not see myself
The reflection is clear and the resemblance, striking
But is that who I am?

It goes beyond the surface
And believe me, I have dug very deep
There seems to be no end to the depth of my soul excavation

I evacuate my spirit
I bare my mind
Still I know! There must be something more

How long will I search within?
How long will it take for me to find me?
Can you see me?
Can you tell me who I am?

REASON

We believe when there are facts
Hard concrete facts, to look upon and analyze
We believe, if it is rational, sound and just
We believe because if we don’t
We may suffer the consequences
We believe in reason

We believe what we can’t see
We believe in spirits and mystery
Where there is no rationality
‘It is too absurd, these superstitions’
We believe, because the promise…
Though irrational, is also just
We believe that reason is not always rational
Then we don’t believe in reason

Though reason may differ
We believe, because we are a believing people
And our hope is in our belief and not reason

REDEMPTION

There is a blood trail
The smell is in the air
The stalker patiently waits
The prey, unaware at the moment
But the silence sounds a warning
Everything is still, not calm
The tension is reaching a resounding crescendo
You can hear the whispers of the leaves
A fugitive he becomes
He is on the run from his own
The works of his hand speak tons for themselves
Who dealt the fatal blow?
Who sucked the final breath from his lungs?
Blood is on his hands
His own; …thicker than water, he was told
His betrayal, never to be forgiven
He remains marked
Judgment is passed
He pleads, but not to be freed is his plea
But to be given a chance to right his wrongs

VERSES FROM THE CLOSET PART 1

ON AND ON

I sojourn the earth
The experience and lessons, so many
My mind; I wish to be a sponge
Capturing all and leaving nothing out
My brain filters what I want, what I need
And I pray for wisdom to discern
The want from the need
For deep within, the yearnings are numerous and unguarded
Scattered, chaotic and at times barbaric
But I yearn still, to taste as much
To smell as much
To see as much
To feel as much
The sounds, noise and music alike
All to be consumed but not to be consumed by
I must elevate on each stride
Never to dwell on the present
No matter how pleasant it may be
The future, a never ending horizon
Accompanied by unending possibilities
And the risk that will come with each stride
Lessons of the past must teach
Experience and wisdom will guide
And the light to illuminate the path
It is a beautiful world out there
To be inspired from within the senses must be relied upon
And your soul you must bare
Then the voices become clear
And as a stream flows and the wind blows
The earth beckons
‘Come closer and my treasure be revealed’
I must search, on and on
Through the woods and deserts
My yearnings must be guarded
I reach the very end
I have enjoyed he ride
The Prize
A Trophy or just an illusion
Turn not my expectant heart into bitterness
And with a reward
BLESS ME.

WHO IS IN CHARGE?

Energy flows, that is a given and a constant. But the energy wasted is unanimously frowned at. So what is the conservation of energy if the outcome is a waste?
When energy is not directed in the proper place, the source is eventually drained and the expectations are unfulfilled.
The realization of this requires a change in frequency, source or channel.
The signals may be strong mixed or weak but the point is not the strength but awareness and control.
Awareness comes first, but that is the easy part. Control! Now that is the ‘big fish’.
Many times, control is not inherited; it is not in any genetic makeup of any individual. It is earned and the process is indeed rigorous.
Sometimes many it takes DECEPTION, but it actually requires humility and perseverance.
Foolish it may seem as the remake of the popular adage would now suggest, the patient dog eats the fattest bone … after the hustlers have eaten the meat off the bone, but the price for going through that fire make one stronger.
Control is judged by results and not intent and even when gained it is never final.
Absolute control, I believe lies in the hands of WISDOM.
The results are all that count when in control, not intent. Good intentions never produced food or got anyone paid.
Results, that is what we are judged by.
Intent is only for those who need excuses.
The time for excuses are over, so let some results be gotten, let action be taken no matter how little and how slow, let it be in motion and let those of good intentions only rake in the excuses…YOU BE THE JUDGE.

KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU!!!

How long does it take for a person to say ‘I know you’? I can not give a value as to the time in which the discovery of a persons personality should take because, frankly I don’t know. I wish I did but it hit me as usual that it is in did a very long way to discover the true face of a multifaceted entity called ‘MAN’. I will not look back in regret as much as I can or into the future in fear, even if the flickers of hope and embers of bravery continue to die out. I will rather look around in awareness and indeed within. I say to myself ‘I don’t know Mr. A or Ms. B’ but the truth is I don’t even know everything about myself. The days of fulfillment, I hope are near and on that day self discovery in its fullness may be all that is needed. I know some of me and I know that I am multifaceted, but to what extent… no idea. It may just take the whole of my lifetime if I am lucky to be here the whole time.
I wish I knew you, and all those I call friends in the real essence of knowing. I am not speaking in terms of predictability but in terms of understanding the reasons for actions and I sincerely doubt it.
Nowadays, words count for nothing, and lies are thickening with each bend or corner. I too have not been the most honest person in my dealings and unfortunately for me, I once upon a time predicted certain events in my life which have started manifesting. But what bothers me is not the fact that I can lie or you can lie but the fact that we use these lies to distance ourselves from people who feel they should know us. Misdirection as a weapon? Well who can you trust? I don’t want to go down that road of sincerity and trustworthiness but I know that everyone hopes for the day when they can trust a person other than themselves freely and not be disappointed.
Do I know you? I don’t think so.
Will I ever know you? I hope so
Do you feel I should trust you? Earn it
Should you trust me? Honestly, I wish I could answer that.
But whatever you decide or I decide to do with the little details that make up our lives, we can only do 2 things
1 hope
2 try
Maybe we shall be deserving of a trustworthy friend, maybe, one day we (that is me and of course you) shall become a trustworthy friend to some deserving or undeserving friend.
How high can you build the wall to shut out the rest of the world?

GOING....

These things happened and will continue to happen. The frailties of trust especially trust in man. I seek not to send a negative message, but in truth it is all around us. So much negative vibe, one could actually drown in it. It takes a lot of patience, which is a virtue and rare at that to tolerate the gimmicks as they are thrown your way on a daily. Now I sit and wonder ‘is this the real life?’, if it is, then it is disappointing. Silver and gold, I seek to accumulate and to that end a life or a name is lost, the source of pride like a balloon afloat and without a tether rope to hold gets blown away by the gentle wind. The truth may not come out in our life time but it will and the longer it stays down there the more powerful it will be. If my words are not enough for you then my actions should, but to what end if no matter what it does not count.
My country turns 50 in a number of days time and as young as she would like to appear, she is old and full of a lot of crap that need to be addressed but will never be, or at least not yet. The change needs to be radical, swift and unbiased, but until then we shall continue to go down.
GOING! GOING!!

VOYAGE... THE VALLEY AND BACK

JUST FOOLED!


How quickly was my heart ripped off my chest?
By my own hand indeed
The pain I felt, yet was clouded by the promise
The offering was made, but in a hurry

Was it the sweet scent of a rosy bed from which I just emerged?
My eyes, not accustomed to this new light
But my confidence was the source

I hardened my heart to the words of advice
All that glitters… All that glitters…
My heart won a battle it should have lost

What fool recognizes his folly? Till the very end!
Time, Energy, Resources all spent
For the lesson was well learnt

My heart still craves but the sooner I learn, the farther the grave
Fool me once… They said
I know, once is enough?
The same mistake? Never to me

I emerge from the flames like a PHOENIX
My song and my tears

Stronger is my will
This feeling is my new second nature
The pain of the past shall guide me through future travails
My heart now barely beats
And the numbness I feel will take a while

It will beat again, and again
And with each beat, I shall bleed myself
Never to be, thus fooled
My HEART I will GUARD


FROZEN

It warmed my heart each time I saw you and it was a longing yet to be satisfied
I stood in awe as you blossomed before my eyes, my heart bled freely and willingly
The offering was to be made, I had no objection, I was the lamb, willing and able

The price, foolish though it sounded, but, yes! It was love again

But my heart was jolted, not by rejection or betrayal
Hell had frozen over and so was my heart
Had I lost it? That ability to love?
Maybe it was just you, but then again, it was just you

My heart froze and my eyes darkened, for a love lost is never found
It was cold all along, it was just my warmth… but for how long

FOUND AND LOST.

I found it and for years I cherished it, LOVE? You may ask, but no. it was more than love. We were more than friends and I, being the pessimist I was, filled my mind with thoughts of its end. Friends for life? Yes, that’s what we became, but we both knew we wanted more, more from ourselves and more to give. It was, for the first time in a long while that I had myself free from my own inhibitions. 30 years have gone by now and I still see that my life would have been much more fun, plus with a lot of achievements. Now, death stares me in the face and I feel like I would only have one final wish denied, I know I can’t have this wish but it is as selfless as it is selfish. Just a hand to hold or those eyes to stare into even if it is for the last time, my eternity may as well begin with the feeling still on my skin.
We started out nothing special, no expectations just in it for the ride and what a ride it turned out to be. For a period in my life, the “I” was lost. All there was was the “US”, the “WE”, and I was tempted to believe that it was going to last for a very long time, even a lifetime. Was I wrong? Yes! I was so, so wrong. We were very clear about our feelings for each other but that negative energy, oh! That negative energy! It crept in, maybe just from word of mouth or from those horrible dreams I don’t know but it found its way in and what it has destroyed, I can not quantify. I loved her like no love has ever described and I was not afraid not to be loved back in return but she did! She loved me even more than I could accept. She loved my flaws and faults as much as she loved my perfections, she loved my entirety, the entity I was and the entity I would be, she love my past and my future, with her in it or not. And I loved her but I could not bring myself to accept that love like this could exist. It was just too much for the earth. Too positive and I feared near impossible. Don’t get me wrong I never doubted our love, what I did doubt was it blooming into the flower that everyone would come to admire and take a leaf from. So instead of nourishing this love with care, I fed it with negativity. I have but myself to blame, not only for this loneliness I feel but for what she feels. And if my wish she were to turn down, even at my deathbed, I would understand and still love her nevertheless.We were not the perfect couple or the envy of the town, no! We were just good for each other but you always hope that there could be a possibility of something better. It never happened; there was no one better, there was no other, none before and none after. I could cry now but what use would it be. I had it, I lost it and I have no one but myself to blame.

THE SAGA... IN AN IMAGINARUIM!!

MY WORDS...MY SWORD

I try to detach my self from the character I create
He is lifeless at that and I know everything is around him
Objectivity I crave so that I do not lose myself to the portrait I paint
In my mind it is highly defined

But the ARTIST must immerse himself so deep in his work
He can never be objective
His work is a reflection
His soul is somewhere within
And still out there for all to see

I can not fight a battle without spilling BLOOD
The enemy must see and feel my fury
I can not be objective
The pages are my battlefield
And my words are my weapon

They may be used against me
But its intent is to fight for me
In this battle, I fear not
For every eye, a new battle begins

VICTORY is all but short-lived
The battle stories rage on
From the little ones, through sand and time
My words, my work will be a new weapon
A sword, sharper than those before and those to come

I can not detach myself from the characters I create
I am in there somewhere
I am the breathe of life in all of them
I have but lost a part of my soul to this portrait

THE CHRONICLES II

I saw you and at that moment I loved YOU.
I saw that you also had an interest towards me but I cursed myself for not letting my interest known.
We became friends.
I wanted more
You wanted more.
I was A COWARD in love.
I did not let my feelings for you show.
I pushed you and that resistance was what I still regret.
We walked around with a big banner over our heads
JUST FRIENDS.
Then he came along, and you loved him as you would have loved me.
Even then, I could still see the passion in your eyes… FOR ME.
Mine was hidden, past experience or could it be fear?
I was afraid of letting you know or letting you go.
I was afraid of rejection and the possibility of a broken heart.
And so, I allowed the MAN come in.
I locked myself out.
But even now, I know I LOVE YOU, AND YOU- ME.
Was it meant to be?
We’ll never know

THE CHRONICLES

When I could not give my heart out I could not truly love and I could not say that at that time I was living. Looking back at all those times I do not think I would have ever seen myself as a person capable of letting go, but here we are, here I am and there you are. No longer whole but more complete than I was when I was alone… this is how my thoughts were shaped



I go out in search,
To make you a PARTNER,
Not a SUBORDINATE.
I invite you in; show you what you stand to gain
And ask what you have to offer,
Yet you want me to do all the ground work, all the time.
I call you a FRIEND,
Yet you want me as a SLAVE
I will not be shacked by the chains of a RELATIONSHIP
If you can not meet me halfway
Then stay on your own
I will not cross my line…
NOT YET

TIME HAS MOVED PLACES...

The month of May has come and gone and it seems like I have had so much to do, I have so little time to write. Truth be told, I indeed had little time to spend in front of the computer at all. When such a long time has gone by, a lot of events have taken place, from the very minute ‘hello’s’ to the most unexpected. But those that stay foremost on the mind are usually those that would and should and eventually have a lasting impression on the mind. I would not want to use the word ‘breakup’, I’d rather use the word (borrowed from my friend Nelson) ‘mutual separation’, Yes! I had a mutual separation from my Girlfriend this month and it is proving to be a very difficult task ‘letting go’ of the one person you really looked forward to seeing every other evening, but that is part of life and it goes on. My heart aches and at times like this I play a lot of music. When I say ‘times like this’ I mean times when I was made to leave someone I really, really liked and that has not happened often at all, actually this is like the second time technically. But I a m not going to bore you with the details of this ‘mutual separation’, rather I would like to dedicate the next couple of post to the experiences of love as gathered from experiences, mine and that of others. THE LOVE CHRONICLES. I hope you can relate to it and share in their emotions and stuff but most importantly enjoy it.
I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE NO SHAME IN IT COS THERE IS NO GREATER FEELING IN THIS WORLD THAT COULD DRIVE A MAN TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE. TRUE FREEDOM LIES IN THE ABILITY TO LOVE AND DEMAND TO BE LOVED BACK.

Did I Piss You Off?

I am a nice guy! Statement of Fact, you could sue me for that, but I’d still be a nice guy. I’m not blowing my own trumpet or anything for that matter; it’s just the fact that the word “attitude” is now being mistaken to mean arrogance. I… OK, we all love a confident person be it in a workplace, relationship, anything or anywhere you can think of, we love confidence, either ours or that of our partner or friend or associate as long as it does not rob us of our own (confidence). Now, when and more importantly how do I know when to tune down my ‘cockiness’ to suit people whom it should suit? Who should benefit from my own confidence order than myself? Is that selfish? Everyone at one point or the other wants his or her ego to be stroked and it occurs more vividly among the male folk but even the ladies love to be ‘made up’ to look a little bigger than they actually are and every now and then she’d say, ‘how’s my hair?’, ‘did you notice my eye shadow?’ ‘You have not complimented my new boob job’. Stroke her ego, just a little every now and then but never over do it. At the end of the day, some of the flattery gets to our heads ‘OMG! I am so pretty’ and we begin to worship ourselves. Then you here ‘you are so full of yourself’ or more derogatorily, ‘you are full of shit’ and you wonder how it all started. Well I’ll let you in on a secret; the less we hear about ourselves the more we want to be heard of. It works in 2 ways, either you try too hard to please or you just get too self aware and overindulge yourself. The first may make you a saint or a fool, while the latter could make you vain or ambitious. But at the end it’s not what we all say that matters but what you BELIEVE. I hate you doesn’t make either of us a bad person so lets live and of course, let live. Did I offend you earlier? Deal with it or me. Which ever way you have a dealing to do but be sure to do it very well and… always prepare for the repercaution.

SINCERELY WRITING!

It is from the depth of my heart, and filled with utmost respect, that I decide to bare my soul, for no man ever made a mark by being someone else. I want to be among the greats of the world, a mind that would be so envied that even I would stand in awe in heaven and thank God for a life well spent. I can only be the best that ‘I’ can be and that’s not to say that an ‘ok’ me is not good enough but, come to think of it, good was not good enough that’s why better came along only to be ‘bested’ by the best. I feel I am still young and that the full potentials of this mind are yet to be attained. I came across a saying sometime ago, ‘if it isn’t fun, don’t do it’, and I ask is my life fun? I know we all have heard about life not being a bed of roses and all that and we have come to accept it, we have accepted that we live in a world filled with limitations and disappointments, many of us even take a pessimistic view on life in general. ‘What good can come out of Bethlehem?’ I do know that salvation came from there and to many other pessimistic questions, why this? Why that? Well, why not? Life is not all about being perfect or working towards perfection because the perfection we so seek and desire is viewed through an imperfect lens, clouded by dishonesty, corruption, violence. It seems so easy to point out our imperfections and that of the world than to appreciate the wonders of our creation. And as my thoughts drift in and out of crazy and wonderful ideas, I wonder, am I the only person with such a mind? Of course not, and the greatest of such minds may as well not have been born but the propagation of our species over the years have led us to believe that it is the fittest that survive. I do not know much and indeed all that’s left to be known far surpasses what we know now, so the boundaries we have created for ourselves are willfully and eventually torn down to open a new horizon, a world of endless possibilities and I can assure myself first that this world is just around the corner. Our differences aside, we all are creatures of order, peace, unity and growth. It is all embedded in our genetic make up to be orderly and even in the midst of the external forces of chaos, we all so long for the peace from within, that shining light that re-assures us that we are not just matter that exist to occupy space but are the beings that BE. Love is magical, love is precious, and love is universal. We all want to love and be loved in return, so why don’t we just love? It always comes back to us…

COMING SOON!

SO, WAS THAT YOU?



I looked through the window of my little shelter, rain drops still scattered sparingly on the partly cemented floor. I felt like going out this evening but where would I go? At times like this I wished I smoked or indulged in some kind of social activity that would enable me just go out on my own and not be seen as a loner. Of course I am not a loner, I have a lot of friends and numerous acquaintances, but just this time I felt I should be alone. I was not depressed but was in a very reflective and sober mood. ‘I need a retreat’, I thought to my self the previous day but now I needed to go out. What shall I do with my freedom again? This new freedom I have been blessed with. I vowed not to make the same mistakes I made with my previous freedoms; in boarding school, in the university, in youth service camp. No! Not the same mistakes. I had to make a responsible use of my life for now and from now on. I knew I was in no hurry to settle down and, thank goodness I was under no form of pressure, at least for the moment. My whole life, like a clean slate lay in front of me and I made an oath to write on it with as few mistakes and less grave ones at that. This retreat of mine would usher me from young man to ‘elderly, respected young citizen’. All my dreams, aspirations, my future looked and felt brighter. What could possibly go wrong now? All I have to do is make use of all my past mistakes and make my present life and the imminent future, something to look forward to. I, Toby would shock the world, in a good way, and I intend to rule the world! As for my past, lets hope it does not come up too often in any discussions, let sleeping dogs lie, although I would prefer DIE, but you know what they say, kill the past, kill the future. That’s me, my past and hopefully a future you all will envy and talk about for years to come.


*** EXCERPTS FROM ‘THE TALE OF HISTORY’
A BOOK BY Uche Onuma© 2010

Yeah! We Are Back

Its feels good to be back, even if it is for a short while.
A lot of water has indeed passed under the bridge but I’ll try to be constructive. Some words that are passing through my mind right about now… "trust", "friendship", "love", "loyalty", "disappointment", "depression", a lot of emotions!now but no tears not from me, not for now and not ever. There is nothing better than knowing something and knowing it well more so nothing like clarity. No vagueness or ambiguity. I personally love to be vague but can’t seem to like others been vague to me. I want you to tell me as it is, up front and right in my face. I love honesty even if I know it is not expected from everybody but nobody said it’s futile to at least expect sometimes. All I want is for someone to tell me honestly what they think and I will be satisfied, but who would that be?
Its not you definitely! You wouldn’t do me the favor; you would not want to hurt my feelings, would you? So much for friendship and trust. Ironic! Isn’t it? That you would feel that I can’t handle the truth. Well I am not talking about me hear or what I have done or even what I expect, it is more like what I feel. Ok! I feel everyone or almost everyone is lying, in one way or the other.
My sister told me once to be more expressive, sounds easy but it sure as hell isn’t. It’s much safer to be on the fence but even there, the stones continue to fly by. I’d stop fro now because I don’t know if you are ever going to read this so if you get to read this, I’m sure you would not understand

IS THAT A COMPLIMENT?

‘I love your hair!’, ‘you really look good today’, ‘did you put on some weight?’… Well I’ll take all that as a compliment, for now because I can’t and will not live an insecure life of scrutinizing every comment flung my way. No! I can’t live like that but must know when you are actually complimenting something about me or just making a fool out of me. Remember, I said for now and that means later or some other time I might look back and see that you were actually making fun of me and I assure you it won’t be so pleasant to see me. I may not be able to sense sarcasm immediately but you bet I’ll be able to sense a mocker when I hear one. Compliment me or not, it won’t change anything. I did not have you in mind when I was dressing up or eating or working out and I don’t give a ‘rats ass’ what you think of me now… speaking of which, just keep your thoughts to yourself. I love myself just the way I am now and I don’t need a panel of judges to tell me how to wear my hair or dress. I am wonderfully and fearfully created! Yeah! That’s right you heard me ‘FEARFULLY’ so don’t go about thinking that you are better than anyone else because it’s he who wears the shoes that knows where it pinches most.


Hope you didn’t take this personally, no harm intended

THIS LOVE...

Many would say that it does not exist, others still that is mere figment of imagination, but no one can question the power it wields in the world. Wars have been fought, families divided, blood has been spilt, it indeed has the power to do and of course, undo. I have experienced the overwhelming power of it and I can say that there is nothing created that can stand the force which it pulls. Once I doubted, fought and even detested the mere thought of being mastered by anything let alone this power, but my resistance lasted only as long as I was ignorant. Fate rarely calls upon us on the moment of our choosing and this is my story.
I was placed in the situation where I had the choice to walk away and never look back, I could have kept quiet but I would have missed the most wonderful feeling yet in the world, it has nothing to do with what is or is not done, or what is or is not said, it has nothing to do with where you are from but more importantly, where you are headed. I hoped I would make the exception but I just could not stand out, it took a whole lot of resistance so many years have gone by since I first set my eyes on.... I said it was not possible but I just found out that impossibilities are non-existent. I was and am still a puppet, fate has dealt me a fair hand, I had the advantage but could not take it, I could have achieved anything I dreamt of, but to what end? I had lived a life of solitude for so long I thought to myself ‘, I can do without anyone’. I had been self sufficient but seeing... it just could not be. This feeling I had suppressed for many years, I even thought I had mastered my feelings. I did not only surprise my family and those close to me, I was surprised at how quick I fell, over and over again I fell and I was not on any psychotomimetics or CNS stimulant. It was in the air and I had been infected. Now I am sick, yes I am love struck and only SHE can cure me... I have felt love and it is the sweetest, strongest singular feeling that can set me and you free. Pure love like pure honey is hard to come back but once tasted, you can sense the difference.
I have tasted PURE love and now I know the DIFFERENCE.

THE LETTER...

IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON I SHARE THIS VERY PERSONAL LETTER...
** THE NAMES USED HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR PRIVACY PURPOSES

THE LETTER

I wish that for once I would be able to write down how I feel sometimes. Right now, I feel so drained!!! My boyfriend just told me that I’m making things difficult for his next girlfriend and that was meant to be a compliment!!! This is someone I really hoped, dreamt of a future with me the way I did with him. It’s just so sad that life doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to. If wishes where horses, Victoria will spend the rest of her life with Patrick. But too bad, it’s not mine to decide, never was, will never be
In a few weeks time, I’ll be out of this school for good and many questions keep popping up: what will be my fate? Should I hold on? If I do, will I be able to trust him? More importantly, will I be able to trust myself? Will the distance affect our relationship? Somehow I know the answers to these questions but I think I’m in denial. I find it very difficult to let go. Though I know I can’t have it forever, I keep holding on till the dying minute. So here comes the million dollar question, when is the dying minute? When will there be nothing left to salvage of our relationship? When will it be all over? How would we decide that? How will I feel when this time comes? These questions, I can’t answer.
God! How was he able to make me fall so deeply in love with him/ how did it happen? When? Why can’t I just tell myself the truth and walk away? I don’t know1 all I want is to love and be loved back! All I want is to share my dreams and future with him! All I want is to have his kids! Is that too much to ask for? Apparently, yes, Victoria, it is. We are talking about a lifetime commitment here, so, yes it is too much to ask for.
Well, I’m just going to put the ball in his court and let him play it in any direction he wants to. Yeah! I know, you might say that I’m being a fool for him but what can I say, he deserves it. He is just absolutely the best guy I’ve ever known. He is my Pat.


feel free to drop a comment... really appreciated.

CAN IT BE BOUGHT?

I had this argument with a friend of mine the other day, on the importance of packaging. I was of the opinion that packaging was not the first port of call in any type of relationship, be it a formal one or just informal and as a matter of fact, that packaging was over ‘hyped’ in our time. I stated that the content was of utmost importance and should be given more attention. My friend had other ideas; he spoke on the point of attraction. What attracts a young man to a girl first? Her beauty, grace or her attitude? Is it what you can see or what you can not? Well I suggested he marry an attractive yet ill mannered lady. The argument took a lot of dimensions, from a diamond in the rough to the glitter of items which are seemingly gold, from wolves in sheep skin to allure of evil, but one point where I could not help but agree with him was, all these revolved around the act that they worked and people, no matter hw careful you might be, you can never be too sure about something until you have tasted it yourself and guaranteed that it is what it says it is. You may not be able to fight attraction but you can tread carefully and make a lot of scrutiny but would you be living life if you decided not to make mistakes. Its in our nature to love and demand and wish for attractive stuff, but a wise man would say “all that glitters is not GOLD”
That said I have come to see that packaging indeed is the first port of call, the opportunity creator, it is the avenue for open doors but spend as much time on packaging as you spend on content, life is meant to be balanced. Content may not be able to be bought but must be toiled for but packaging…. Can it be bought?

YEARS HAVE INDEED GONE BY!

Many years have gone by indeed and the experiences which we have gained have made us stronger. We have made some mistakes over and over again but we are still alive to look back and probably laugh. I have made a handful of mistakes over and over again I sometimes wonder if I am alright at all. Time waits for no man and there is never enough time to do all we intend to or dream of doing. But one thing that comes with time is change and it’s not up to you or me to control it, it just happens. You may want to change your look or your wardrobe or your diet or even your friends, in fact you may wish to change everything about yourself and for whatever reason that you can come up with. Time will pass on that, the outcome could be a laugh, regret or fulfilment, but only after some time has passed. A lot of things have happened to me and my family in the past few years, some good, some bad, some exceptional while others just ordinary, and they all happened to the same set of people (my family). Funny enough, the reception of these things varied from individual to individual and this is where I am stuck. 4 years ago if I was told to go and live with any of my sisters, I would have jumped at the idea, but now I think I’d rather spend my holidays on my own and occasionally visit my family. Is this what time does to the mind? Does it change your outlook to my life and those in it? Well only time will reveal what will happen but don’t get me wrong, time does not creep up on us. No it doesn’t, it gives us time to prepare and provides us with resources to tackle the next obstacle, it’s a funny thing this life. Why don’t you just keep laughing? The years will continue to role by and our lives continue to unravel before our very eyes. There are surprises for everyone (as well as shocks and disappointments) so be ready to embrace life. As for me, things can only get better and this I strongly believe.

LETS HELP HAITI

It’s rather early in the year to start talking about disaster of any kind, natural or otherwise, but that does not stop it from happening. Whenever we hear of disaster that means it happens to people who least expect it or are in the worst possible position to do anything about it on their own, both in prevention and in the relief afterwards. The people of Haiti have touched the world and indeed called us to pay more attention to the 3rd world countries, to Africa, to the women and children who have been neglected for a very long time. The new decade indeed starts with a wakeup call to all those in positions of authority; it’s time to face issues that affect human life directly. Mother Nature is calling us all to arise and take up the challenge and be ‘our brother’s keepers’. Is this a decade of more charity? I don’t know yet, and only time will tell. Looking back at the decade just ended a lot of financial crisis but no one person died as a direct effect of this crisis, yet little Haiti in a twinkle of an eye suffered a disaster that has claimed so many lives. This shows that the world and its leaders should channel their efforts into more humanitarian gestures, especially to the 3rd world and its population. The world would indeed become a better place if as much care being shown to Haiti now would be sustained and extended to other countries of similar plight even without a natural disaster. Let us join hands in prayer for the victims and our hearts in solidarity to a nation in distress and hope that this is the worst that can happen. Let us help Haiti, let us help the world

LOYALTY!

Who do I lie to? My family or my friends. Among my friends who deserves the truth at all or should I say most times. Who do I expect the truth from and how much is enough truth. How do you feel when you are left in the dark? These are some of the questions that come up on the loyalty test. Your concern for someone may sometimes not be your business; it is most times up to the person in question to let you in or out. Do you feel left out in a relationship be it mere friendship? Well a good friend is hard to come by and I must say are in high demand. Your family, you may not have the liberty to choose, so to them you should have a minimum level of loyalty that you must keep, but your friends on the other hand, you have a choice... you have the power to maintain one or ‘kick it to the curbs’. But even among friends it’s a difficult task maintain the balance of loyalty when you eventually find yourself in the middle. Will diplomacy work? That depends on the situation, but chooses ye wisely thy friends your enemies will choose themselves. Let your loyalty lie with yourself and everything that makes you HAPPY because friends will disappoint you and that’s whether you believe it or not. So to answer the question ‘who do I lie to?’ why not ‘who deserves the truth?’. Your loyalty lies within you so don’t lie to yourself because you DESERVE the TRUTH.