FOUND AND LOST.

I found it and for years I cherished it, LOVE? You may ask, but no. it was more than love. We were more than friends and I, being the pessimist I was, filled my mind with thoughts of its end. Friends for life? Yes, that’s what we became, but we both knew we wanted more, more from ourselves and more to give. It was, for the first time in a long while that I had myself free from my own inhibitions. 30 years have gone by now and I still see that my life would have been much more fun, plus with a lot of achievements. Now, death stares me in the face and I feel like I would only have one final wish denied, I know I can’t have this wish but it is as selfless as it is selfish. Just a hand to hold or those eyes to stare into even if it is for the last time, my eternity may as well begin with the feeling still on my skin.
We started out nothing special, no expectations just in it for the ride and what a ride it turned out to be. For a period in my life, the “I” was lost. All there was was the “US”, the “WE”, and I was tempted to believe that it was going to last for a very long time, even a lifetime. Was I wrong? Yes! I was so, so wrong. We were very clear about our feelings for each other but that negative energy, oh! That negative energy! It crept in, maybe just from word of mouth or from those horrible dreams I don’t know but it found its way in and what it has destroyed, I can not quantify. I loved her like no love has ever described and I was not afraid not to be loved back in return but she did! She loved me even more than I could accept. She loved my flaws and faults as much as she loved my perfections, she loved my entirety, the entity I was and the entity I would be, she love my past and my future, with her in it or not. And I loved her but I could not bring myself to accept that love like this could exist. It was just too much for the earth. Too positive and I feared near impossible. Don’t get me wrong I never doubted our love, what I did doubt was it blooming into the flower that everyone would come to admire and take a leaf from. So instead of nourishing this love with care, I fed it with negativity. I have but myself to blame, not only for this loneliness I feel but for what she feels. And if my wish she were to turn down, even at my deathbed, I would understand and still love her nevertheless.We were not the perfect couple or the envy of the town, no! We were just good for each other but you always hope that there could be a possibility of something better. It never happened; there was no one better, there was no other, none before and none after. I could cry now but what use would it be. I had it, I lost it and I have no one but myself to blame.