The night

I dread the night, not the darkness, but the hours just before I fall asleep.
That time of the day when I'm all alone with my thought.
It is the same thoughts running through my.mind.
"will I ever feel that way again?"
"will I ever experience this ever again?"
I wish I could answer the numerous questions that keep.me awake.
My bodys' exhaustion wrestles my eyes shut and to body to.sleep, but my mind is awake.
To have and to have lost, is it actually better than to not have had at all?
I haven't any answers to the raging questions.
Each question only leads to more questions.
Strangely, I have a feeling that time will not heal this cut.
I tried everything in the book and it still seems like yesterday.
I surround myself with happiness and smiles and wealth, but within me, a deep scar,  huge hole, emptiness, a feeling of self implosion.
When this is all over, a big part of me would be dead.
For now, I can't sleep, I can't dream, but if I don't how will I ever wake up from this nightmare.

Something about Beauty

I will tell you something about beauty.
Not everything I know, not everything there is to know, but something. Something rather important and most times overlooked.
I will tell you something about beauty, something you might know already, something you may have heard about. Believe me when I say it, but you need to hear it again.
I will not say what beauty is not.
I will not say what beauty should be.
I will only say what beauty is and maybe, just maybe, you will see it with me.
Beauty is physical, it is obvious, it is attractive to all the senses.
Beauty is deep, beyond what you can see, hear or smell.
Beauty is the feeling.
Beauty is imperfection, beauty is perfection.
Beauty is in spite of errors and mistakes.
Beauty is the toothless smile of a neonate or an elderly woman.
Beauty is music, dancing and rhymes.
Beauty is danger and beauty is safety.
Beauty is the endeavour to excellence.
Beauty is the passion and indeed the pain.
Beauty is the look in the eyes of a loved one, the warmth of their presence and caress of their touch.
Beauty is trust and betrayal.
Beauty is abandon, freedom.
Beauty is struggle.
Beauty is love lost and love found again.
Beauty is fading, persistent and eternal.
Beauty is present, past and future.
Beauty is absence, beauty is presence.
Beauty is holding on.
Beauty is letting go.
Beauty is memories, tears and joy.Beauty is in the moment. In the day light and in the deep of the night.
Beauty is life. Beauty is death.
Beauty is doing. Beauty is being.
This is just a part of what beauty is. Beauty is a choice, a choice to see beauty in everything.
Beauty is many things but most importantly,
Beauty is grace.

what is beauty?

I'm sure we all have seen it. Some through teary eyes, others through the lens provided by the bottom of an alcoholic beverage. Any way you have come to see it, the constantly aroused emotion is happiness. Funny thing is that when you are happy, a lot of things become beautiful. The full gist is coming soon

REASONS

We embark on many endeavours for various reasons and these reasons are indications of how determined we would be on that endeavour.
 He had reasons not to date her at all.They were good friends, he wouldn’t want to spoil that, his best friend had told him he had a design on her, he wouldn’t want to destroy a friendship over a girl, his colleagues dissuaded him, ‘she ain’t your type’, they said. He had a girl who adored him. He had a reason to date her, He loved her. He put his friendship with his best on the line with his action, he endured a lot of tongue lashing from his colleaguesp and he lost the girl who adored and loved him. He had reasons to put an end to the relationship when he was in. First, it was the distance, then it was the lack of intimacy that arose from the distance, then she was always or most times upset and moody, transferring the aggression to him, he had just a reason to stay, he loved her, he saw a future with her. Then he found out that they had medical issues should they stand the test of time. Such a condition could put an end to his dream of making them a couple for life. He felt they could be strong enough, that they could weather that storm. He had just one reason for trying as hard as he could, he loved her. To him, that was all that mattered. Truth is, she needed just one reason to end it, she wasn’t happy. It didn’t matter that she loved him and he loved her, it didn’t matter that she knew he wanted her more than anything; it didn’t matter that he would do anything in his power to make her happy. No matter what he tried, said or did, she did not have a reason to fight for the love they shared. She knew what had to be done, he knew what was going to happen eventually, he had lost her before he found her, and he lost himself in her too. It didn’t matter any way. The sacrifices, time, energy and resources, all gone. He had reasons to hate her, he had reasons to detest her, he had reasons to curse the day he kissed her but he couldn’t and wouldn’t. He loved her still and even amidst the pain, he knew he would not stop loving her. He had no reason to love her anymore but he still did anyway.

I UNDERSTAND.

I finally get it. I understand that my actions have been precipitated by certain subconscious reflexes, ‘the way I was brought up’ is the common dialect to explain that, but it has more to do with the way I perceive(d) things and was made to attach importance to them. A good name, I was told and indeed (made to) believe is more precious than silver and gold; and even if I can’t make a name for myself, I must strive not to destroy (the name) someone else, laboured over the years, tirelessly to create and establish- a family name. I finally get it. I understand that love is not everything and that many times it won’t be reciprocated, by me or others to those who show it; or to the measure to which it is shown. That those we offer our time to do not necessarily deserve it and those who do, do not always get it. That love grows and must be nurtured and guarded, irrespective of passions that could arise. One has to be ‘grown’ and smart about it (love) and it cannot be forced, it comes hand in hand with pain and both cannot be separated. ‘For whom the Lord loves, he chastises...’ (Heb 12:6) I finally get it. I understand that our paths in life may cross, maybe more than once but if truly given to God to navigate, I may not understand at the time, but I can be rest assured that my life is on the right track. And I will make mistakes, maybe more than once, and fail one too many times, i would hope and be disappointed by people (especially people I love) and events, but unless my life and eventual death is meaningless, each mistake, disappointment and failure has a purpose and a message. I may not have any ‘principles’, but I will protect my family name I will guard my heart but still allow myself experience love. I will open my life to experiences of failure, disappointments and mistakes, but I won’t dwell in them. I finally get it I understand

ONCE WAS ENOUGH

She said, ‘I fell in love with you but more with the idea that we were perfect’ ‘You made it easy for me to love you the; you were calm and you gave me your time’ ‘You had my time, something very few people gain’ ‘I guess it was your patience and persistence, but then, I could not have you for 2 reasons You were not available You didn’t seem to want more than what we had’. ‘I gave you a million hints, the colloquial ‘green light’, you just seemed to ignore it or maybe you didn’t get it at all, I really didn’t know.’ ‘Then those days you teased me and made me jealous. I couldn’t bear it, but I really didn’t want you to go.’ ‘It felt good to feel the way you made me feel, I really didn’t need any other person, as long as I had you even if you weren’t mine.’ ‘Then you came out of nowhere with the notion I had harboured in my heart for so long... that we should be together, as a couple.’ ‘I had waited for years and when you made the ‘proposal’, my immediate response was the acceptance and dive in your arms, give you a kiss and then slap you across the face for taking so long, but my better judgement made me test your resolve.’ ‘I refused, not because I didn’t want you, I wanted you so badly, it was pure pain but I wanted you to have a little taste of what I went through, the pain.’ ‘Your resolve was tested and I was satisfied that you wanted me ‘that much’.’ ‘You spoke sweet nonsense to me and I felt you fall deeper and deeper in love with me. I still loved you then, like I have never loved any other but the time of wanting had taken its toll on my heart. I was growing up faster than I wanted and you loved me the same way you did from the beginning.’ ‘Sadly, what was cute then was just annoying now.’ ‘Don’t get me wrong, I loved you amidst the transition I was going through but deep down I knew you wouldn’t be able to love me the way I wanted to be loved.’ ‘I just need you to know that no matter what happens I will always love you’ When she finished I looked up and smiled, then I said ‘ONCE WAS ENOUGH’

RAIN DROPS AND SILVER CLOUDS

Rain drops on the window pain, the night is cold and I am all alone. Not for the first time though and the silence in my room is but a mockery to the multitude of noises in my head. Questions unanswered and promises unkept. I grow accustommed to the solitude but let it not be mistaken for tranquility. The smile on the face is a mask to shield the hurt within. Pain comes and goes and the torment of the past keeps coming back to hunt. Where has my peace gone? Where did the goodwill go to? I grow weary of asking questions . I grow weary of searching. I grow weary of all the things that have a semblance of hope. I easily identify with the dark clouds in the guise that I expect refreshing rain, in truth it is the gloom that begets me. The gloom of my reality is one of despair and pain. Not that the urge to try has ceased, but that the sensibility of knowing that what you seek has long gone. The chase becomes futile and the promises of a million words no longer spur the heart to try. A new hobby? That also haas been tried and, not to sound pessimistic, the flavour of sweet honey and spice and the allure of ever intoxicating wine have all turned into a routine to pass time and to engineer in the minds of people that all is well.
For the time being, all is indeed well and the pain seems to have abated. Common sense and experince tells me that the pain would return and in a moment when I would not be prepared, in a moment when the same mistake that was made in the past would be made yet again. It is not a choice to live in misery, for the misery makes life in itself a living torment. We all hold on to dreams and hope they become a reality, but what about the nightmares? And those nightmares have away of becoming a reality faster than the ‘happy ever afters’.
Suddenly, it is made known to me that the source of pain is not in the search of joy but in the fear of falling and failing. The handicap you feel when you are made to believe that no matter how hard you try, the inevitable outcome would be failure. Failure that is accompanied with shame. The loss of dignity and integrity and the warning from the numerous failures beside you that you should know better that to try again. That is the pain. That is the gloom you find and make a haven in. The entry of the word brings light and darkness flees in the presence of light. And along the line, a voice of hope more excruciating than the pain you have endured all along, snaps you to life. Opens your eyes and makes you see the light of the life you have. You still see the gloom but you also know and understand that ‘in every dark cloud there is asilver lining’. Even if destiny is delayed, it wont be denied. We begin to accept the things we do not understand. Making for ourselves resolutions along the way that would indeed make us stronger and always remembering that in this life, we are never alone.
It’s a sad fact that life is not fair but in it are the tools to fight for justice and happiness. We all get what we deserve and when we do get it, what we do with it is entirely up to us.

THOSE WORDS...

She cried herself to sleep again and promised herself never to pass through such misery again. The words she said she could not take back. The feelings she made bare, her soul she poured out. Not a signal was made to make her aware of the sacrifice she was to make and indeed how unprepared she was. To speak or not to speak, she kept on churning and ruminating as she tried to make sense of the events that just unfolded before her eyes. It was a decision she had thoroughly thought out and repeatedly executed in her mind. Reality, on the other hand had many other variables she had not deemed necessary to factor in. a recipe for disaster? Well a disaster might be an understatement because she now had nothing else to say, nothing else to offer. This was her one chance, her only opportunity and she blew it. Was it ever going to be the same? Would she have the courage to try again? Were the wounds ever going to heal?
The words she said were raw, pure and well rehearsed. She had no intention of being misinterpreted. She wanted to speak from her heart. She spoke, but the words never came out. Her voice failed her when she waited it to be heard and her heart was exploding with words that were never heard. Her body shivered as she tried to gather some semblance of composure. Little pellets of perspiration trickled down her forehead and she could feel her armpit soak. ‘where did my confidence go?’, she asked herself. She turned and walked away, she ran away. Where the energy came from,she knows not, but she ran an she quizzed herself, she questioned her heart. But the answers lay not within but out there where her voice was needed. The response she wanted was never going to happen. The words she wanted to hear were never going to be said to her. What did she expect? It was her expectations that had let her down and she had but herself to blame. Even now, blame was useless. The resolution of the inner battle was going to take time and she knew she was going to lose even that. The feelings were gone against her will, she remained broken, the words were not said and the words she expected to hear…

SAVING GRACE

The pleasures of the past hold firm in my heart
And memories, fond as they are, are all but passing, save your face with that perfect smile
And not the shackles that bind me to these walls down here in the dark and muddy dungeon can take away from me the peace that your face brings to me
‘Even this shall pass’, I tell myself even if I have no idea or present expectation as to how this is to come about, but I believe
I find myself in the bleakest of situations and I find a way to survive, with your voice, a melody to my senses
I know not what this feeling is or how strong it is
I just pleasure in it and hope it stays on for as long as I live, for it could be long or abrupt, I know not
My eyes shut now in the darkness that envelopes me
My heart, rapidly beating as the certainty of my plight is made known to me
My persecution gets more painful but my persecutor is frustrated and I do not blame him
For who would suffer all these, with bruises and scars to show for the torture endured and still have a smile on their face?
Nothing can take away your smile
Nothing can take away your beauty
Nothing can take away the joy you have given me
I will only smile as my voice is lost to my own cries of physical pain and trauma and the exhaustion of unending plummeting of my body
My soul and indeed my body are drained of energy yet I smile
I cannot help that it is you who have kept me till this day
I search no more, for indeed I have found
I want nothing more than I have already received
I am not lucky but blessed
And you have being my SAVING GRACE

A BRIEF CONCLUSION

I have come to a conclusion rather hastily; that the end of everything we see is the beginning of a new chapter. Not blessed with fore sight, I could be forgiven for saying that the persuasive nature of the recent occupants of my mind make quite a compelling argument, one which I am not at liberty to question or even try to disprove
Another conclusion I can tell you, though this conclusion has been thoroughly scrutinized by me is one that is accepted by a vast majority of people or at least people who follow my present train of thought. This conclusion has a lot to do with distance and time and the familiarity of a voice heard after a long separation.