HOW TO “NOT GET CAUGHT”: a guide on how to cheat (and not be cheated on) successfully

Notice: before you continue to read, take note.

This piece does not encourage cheating by any partner. If you want to cheat, be single.

This is neither a professional nor personal advice.

I would like you to take a deep breath, close your eyes and picture that person you love the most (if you are in a relationship with them already) or the person you would love to date. Your heart should skip a beat or something like that. In all honesty, it is only you who knows how that person makes you feel and why you want to be with them. So why is this article important? Well, because we are all human beings and we are all weaker than we would like to admit (male and female). The power of love has nothing to do with the passion and intensity of lust at its peak.

So may be, once or twice you have decided to put your hands into someone else cookie jar and it still did not diminish your love for your partner (if that is ever possible) and you find yourself always going back to have a taste of that forbidden fruit. You begin to invest in this affair in more than one way, how do you preserve your love for your “real” partner till you figure out how to overcome your basal needs and return to the arms of your one true love? How do you keep the flame of this affair burning till it burns out and you can run back to the arms of your partner without any guilt?

There is no short cut. If there is no guilt, there is no love. Now, the other question is can you live with the guilt? I will skip through all the personal karma and what nots and go straight to how to appear like an angel to your partner even when you are still cheating on them (not professional or personal).

The techniques discussed below would be most effective if you and your partner do not live in the same house.

1.       Reserve energy. No matter how intense the flames of desire burns, do not and I repeat, do not invest much energy in it. Always have a reserve so as not to get attached to this said fling and also to avoid the error of “I am tired, I am exhausted or I am not in the mood”. These words are a red flag, and show you have been ploughing in someone else farm. Try not to go overboard in trying to woo or impress a fling. Do not buy gifts for them or a new cloth for yourself when it is not a festive season. Never fix 2 dates on the same day or at the same venue.

2.       Information. Always let your partner know your whereabouts. If you want to go to a hotel tell your partner what hotel you are going to. Always keep the communication channel open and never let them have a feeling that you are hiding something. Do not be discreet. Reveal as much as you can but enough to douse any doubt or extinguish suspicion.

3.       Alibi. When you cheat, you have to lie, so if you want to lie, do not just tell a lie, live a lie. Get yourself an alibi that holds and you will enjoy your affair with no iota of guilt. So as not to overdo it, here is a tip. Do not let all your alibi be perfect, let your partner catch you on some occasions. A lesser evil than what you are into could suffice and still make you look human. A drink with the boys, a shopping spree, a night of partying, anything but the truth. If it is always work and business, that also is a red flag.

4.       Memory. Never forget anything, especially not to the detriment of your “real” relationship. Dates, venues and time. Names of alibi must always check and be easy to remember. Write it down if you must in a diary for quick reference. A good way to never forget is to keep it simple.

5.       Deny. This is the last technique as handed down for many years. As a popular 90’s song goes “it wasn’t me”. If you have carried out the above techniques well, you won’t have to resort to this except if your partner works for the CIA , like Schwarznegger did in true lies or in the movie unfaithful where Richard Gere hires a private detective  to follow his wife around. In that case, even the “deny” skill won’t help you.

Once you get caught, you have to weigh your options and choose wisely for yourself the lesser evil or punishment, or just live with the consequences. Why did you engage in the affair in the first place? (Sorry! Judgemental me again).

This information is both educative (I guess) and revealing. If you follow the techniques backwards, you would be able to find out if your partner is cheating on you or not. As I have said before, all men are not cheats or dogs and all ladies are not sluts, but just to be sure you are protected, know these techniques and watch for the signs that he or she puts out there intentionally to mislead you. Did I hear litmus test? No! There is no litmus test, a cheat is slippery and slimy and difficult to catch and sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling.  Most importantly try and not be too paranoid. Know your worth and invest in a good relationship. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of a heartbreak caused by an unfaithful partner.

 The only way not to get caught is not to commit...